Church of Scientology Claims Its Platitude-Driven TV Ads Drove 10M to Web Site

Last Updated Sep 23, 2009 11:54 AM EDT

The Church of Scientology claims its ad campaign has "driven" 10 million people to view its web site. It doesn't say how many converted to the secretive religion.

The ads have been running on cable TV, but if you were hoping that they explained what Scientology is about, you'll be dissappointed. The ads are so bafflingly vague that they're almost entirely about nothing. Here's the script for one, out of a flight of six on YouTube:

It's shiny cars, wistful eyes and roast beef for dinner. It's questions and answers and 'I don't knows.' It's finding true love and losing it and finding it all over again.

It's music and sensation and touchdowns and chocolate. It's spirituality and inspiration and money and traffic jams. It's disaster and heroism and paper clips and knowing when to breathe.

It's flirting and tasting and curiosity. It's fast and its slow and its rising and falling. It's every moment. Every hope. Every dream. Every piece of the cosmic puzzle. It's life. And its yours.

Is it a drug? Is it a bank? Is it insurance? The only clue to the product being advertised comes at the end: "Scientology: Know Yourself -- Know Life."

Here's another one:

"You are not your name. You're not your job. You're not the clothes you wear or the neighborhood you live in. You're not your fears your failures or your past. You are hope. You are imagination. You are the power to change to create and to grow. You are a spirit that will never die. And no matter how beaten down, you will rise again."
Scientology has no excuse for such lousy commercials. Not when it is able to call on the proven advertising skills of Slap Chop's Vince Shlomi or Leo Burnett's Cheryl Berman.