Easing Entitlement: How to deal with, raise, and unspoil a child
PITTSBURGH (KDKA) - For the sake of discussion, let's just agree - no one wants to admit they have spoiled a child in their family.
In fact, modern parenting doesn't even like the term "spoiled." They prefer "entitled."
Whatever you may call it, it can get much worse as we approach the end-of-year holidays.
So, I decided to check in with a parenting expert for some, let's say uncomfortable, views of spoiling.
We may not like the term, but we all know it when we see it and with the holiday's coming, some proactive tips are needed.
Let's start with the classic, spoiled symptoms.
"The child who was very demanding, expects things to be done for him - that he is perfectly capable of doing for himself," began native Pittsburgher and author of the "Me-Me-Me Epidemic", Amy McCready.
She said that another sign of spoiling a child is that they aren't grateful for what they have, or feels like the world revolves around them. They also expect rewards for things they should be doing anyway.
"There's a tremendous body of research out there that proves that when we use rewards which are external motivators, internal motivation actually diminishes," she explained.
However, McCready said that parents find themselves having to up the treat ante and if you say no...
"The meltdown starts and we can't take it and we give in," she said. "Every time we do that, we reinforce to the child that that's ok, that's what it takes to get what I want."
In order to avoid that kind of reaction on Christmas morning, McCready advised managing the wants now.
"You can commit to three gifts to represent the gifts from the Wisemen or you can have your kids prioritize their wishlists with four things; something I want, something I need, something to wear, and something to read," she said. "It sets that expectation up front."
McCready said that it's important that the decision to keep Christmas reasonable has to be shared with and agreed to by grandparents.
The question does remain, won't children just grow up and figure it out as they get older?
McCready said no, a spoiled, entitled child most of the time grows up to be a spoiled, entitled adult but you can break the cycles and unspoil your child.
And while there is nothing more draining to an adult than dealing with or trying to manage a spoiled child, unspoiling can be done.
Some of it is easy, and some of it is hard, but to be successful, parents have to remain strong and hold the line.
Turning a child away from the dark side, or you know, being spoiled, is important.
"Demanding, entitled kids grow up to be demanding, entitled adults, and that's not good for anybody," McCready said.
McCready, a self-described recovering yeller, said you won't break the cycle of spoilage by yelling and demanding.
"The more of that we do, it is a guarantee for a power struggle because are just going to push back," she said. "No matter what age your kids are, you can start right now."
She said what kids crave most is you and if parents commit to spending one-on-one time with their kids every day, that's known as "mind, body, and soul time."
At least 10 to 15 minutes to start - no distractions, just your complete attention and them.
"We're going to play LEGOS, we're going to shoot hoops, we're going to search for funny YouTube videos, whatever it is, they have you all to themselves," she explained, saying that you'll notice a difference almost immediately. "Your kids will be more cooperative, you will see a measurable difference in terms of their attitude. They'll be more easygoing, they'll be lighter. It's like the silver bullet of parenting."
Next, she said to lay out family contributions.
"Toddlers to teens - everybody should be doing age-appropriate tasks to contribute to the family," McCready said.
She also recommends using a "When-Then" policy, which means some of those mundane tasks kids don't like will get done.
Finally, make sure to combat the "special service" ploy.
"Special service is when your kids demand that you do things for them that they're perfectly capable of doing for themselves," she explained while recommending that you can also lighten up. "Everything doesn't have to be serious all the time, either, just a nice mix makes it so much more fun for kids."
So, again, spend time totally focused on them, make sure they have family contribution tasks (not chores), and work alongside them. If they can do it themselves, insist that they do.
But...what if there's a blowup?
Don't give in. Hold the line. Talk to them, empathize with them, acknowledge their frustration, and listen to them, even if they escalate, don't be drawn into that trap. Wait them out.
