Need money advice? Look no further -- these famous comedians have you covered.
Here, courtesy of MoneyTalkNews.com, are some words of wisdom from performers who are at the very least rich in laughs.
“Wall Street guys get the most money because they work right next to all the money. Every dollar in the world flows right through their offices so, naturally, they get first dibs on dipping their ladles in the stream. It’s only fair. Meanwhile, if you’re sitting on your keister way out in a St. Louis public school, you can’t be surprised if, by the time the money flow reaches you, it’s slowed to a dribble. Or that someone upstream pooped in it.”
“If I had one wish I could wish this holiday season, it would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace. If I had two wishes I could make this holiday season, the first would be for all the children of the world to join hands and sing together in the spirit of harmony and peace; and the second would be for $30 million a month to be given to me, tax free, in a Swiss bank account.”
“I never viewed money as being ‘my money.’ I always saw it as ‘the money.’ If it pools up around me, then it needs to be flushed back out into the system.”
“[After an expensive night of partying] I tell my friend I can’t do the same [thing] two nights in a row because the way my bank account is set up, the thing is I’ve got a checking and a savings, but all my money is in the savings, so I gotta switch it to my checking, but it’s going to take three business days. I don’t think it’s going to go through.”
“I actually prefer the term ‘new money’ because it’s a way of saying, ‘Yes, I am trash and I’m embracing it!’ I am new money. … We use our new money for stupid [stuff] like spa treatments where eels eat the dead skin off our toes or baby seal fat is injected into our [behinds] so we look young again.”
“Money can’t buy you happiness, but it can buy you a car. And with that car, you could go out and try to get happy.
“Also, you could buy the names of people who connect you to happy-making things. So, it’s not a bad thing.
“People look down upon money. No, money can’t buy happiness, but lack of money can buy unhappiness. I’m going to get that printed up on a mug.”
“I had just gotten out of college. It was in Pennsylvania, I had just graduated from grad school. … I was getting these jobs for $200 a week — so, because I couldn’t afford rent, I decided to live in my van. I was rousted a lot (by police). I moved almost every night. I had a whole routine where I would go shower at the gym. … And then I would go cruise the buffet table for breakfast at, like, a hotel.”
“I may have had one date during that whole period, which was about a year on and off.”
“Basically, when my date figured out I was living in my van, I didn’t hear from her again. The funniest thing was, I was confused about why. I was like. ‘What’s the problem?’ I didn’t realize I was the creepy guy in a van. What could possibly be holding up this relationship? The van pretty much eliminated my dating life completely.”
“To us, your power comes from one simple thing: You’re a woman, and we men will do anything humanly possible to impress you so that, ultimately, we can be with you. You’re the driving force behind why we wake up every day.
“Men go out and get jobs and hustle to make money because of women. We drive fancy cars because of women. We dress nice, put on cologne, get haircuts and try to look all shiny and new for you. We do all of this because the more our game is stepped up, the more of you we get. You’re the ultimate prize to us.”
“Americans worship money. … Separate God from school, separate God from work, separate God from government, but on your money it says, ‘In God we trust.’
“All my life I’ve been looking for God, and He’s right in my pocket.
“Americans worship money, and we all go to the same church, the church of ATM. Everywhere you look there’s a new branch popping up, reminding you about how much money you got and how much money you don’t got. And if you got less than $20, the machine won’t even talk to you. The machine is like, ‘You better go see a teller.’
“You ever go to a teller and try to take out $8.50? Oh, it’s disgusting. … Oh man, you gotta wait on that long line, people doing real transactions in front of you, you get up to the front, you fill out your form, $8.50.
“The teller looks at it, she look at you, she looks at the check, she don’t even take the money out of the drawer, she take it out of her pocket, ‘Here you go, get outta here.’”
Tina Fey: University of Virginia
“Anyone who knows me will tell you that I am all about money. I mean, just look how well my line of zodiac-inspired toe rings and homeopathic children’s medications are selling on Home Shopping Network.”
“If you say, ‘I want a million dollars,’ it’s not the money you want but the feelings it will bring you. Your feelings are rooted in your emotions, and herein lies your ability to play with your motivations. To your brain, wanting a million dollars is meaningless. You have no emotional connection to that.
“Consider the following two options:
‘I want a million dollars!’
‘I want a million dollars to save an orphanage! (or replace your nipples with diamonds. Whatever. I’m not judging you.)’
“In Option 2, you’ve modified your motivation. You’re working toward that money for a cause that you care about, not just the idea of possessing a thing or scratching something off your list. If you care enough about that cause, you’ll happily do whatever needs to be done to make it happen.”
“I spent a great deal of my youth fantasizing about entertaining. In my early 20s I would spend hours poring over cookbooks at the Seventh Avenue Barnes & Noble in Park Slope, planning elaborate parties that I would throw when I was older and had money.
“Now I am older and have money, but I almost never entertain. I have yet to throw my Great Gatsby-themed Super Bowl viewing party, but when I do, it will be a big hit, as will be my Daisy Buchanan slow-cooker chicken enchiladas.”
“I experienced that thing that happens in improv, when the line comes out of your mouth before your brain has registered what you are about to say. We were doing some sort of group poem about money of something, and I said, ‘I’m so rich that it’s no surprise, when I’m tired, I get Gucci bags under my eyes.”
“If I had only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today, provided I started with a hundred million dollars. How do they do it?”
“As for Social Security for you kids out there, I’m really sorry.
“Apparently my parents’ generation passed that on to my generation, and nobody told us we were supposed to pass that on. So, good luck. I wish somebody had told us.
“The reason Social Security doesn’t work is very simple. It’s not what the Democrats say, and it’s not what the Republicans say. It’s because it’s math, and it’s really hard math. It’s a lot of long division, many of you don’t remember what that is. …
“All the money in the Social Security system, that’s a really long number. That number goes on forever. Then divide it by another big number, all the people in the Social Security system. Now you look at this number, and you look at that number, and you go, ‘Whew!’ It’s time for a nap.”
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30 percent of their ice cream.”
“Income inequality: A good way to figure out which side of it you’re on is whether you’re currently paying for HBO or stealing it.”
“You know when you look in the mirror and you think, ‘Oh, I’m so fat, I’m so old, I’m so ugly.’ Don’t you know, that’s not your authentic self? But that is billions upon billions of dollars of advertising, magazines, movies, billboards, all geared to make you feel [awful] about yourself so that you will take your hard-earned money and spend it at the mall on some turn-around cream that doesn’t turn around [anything].”
“Don’t judge me. I made a lot of money.”
“Remember when you went on vacation as a kid, and you’d think to yourself, ‘Why is Dad always in a bad mood?’ Well, now I understand. It’s amazing how much money it costs to be uncomfortable all day [at a theme park] and listen to your children whine and complain.”
Quoting humorist Will Rogers: “Too many people spend money they haven’t earned to buy things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.”
“Consumption is the new national pastime. People spending money they don’t have on things they don’t need, money they don’t have so they can max out their credit cards and spend the rest of their lives paying 18 percent interest on something that cost $12.50. And they didn’t like it when they got it home anyway.”
“People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.”
“If [my husband] Fang weren’t the cheapest man alive, we wouldn’t have a problem. The last time I said, ‘Let’s eat out,’ we ate in the garage. You talk about cheap, he buys one Christmas card and sends it out as a chain letter.”
“Sure, I have friends, plenty of friends, and they all come around wantin’ to borrow money. I’ve always been generous with my friends and family, with money, but selfish with the important stuff like love.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“Money is not the most important thing in the world. Love is. Fortunately, I love money.”
“Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.”
“A man in love is like a clipped coupon – it’s time to cash in.”
“While money can’t buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.”
See the full list of quotes at MoneyTalksNews.
By Jim Gold of MoneyTalksNews