Your Mentor Isn't Your Mom: 5 Rules for Avoiding Mentorship Mishaps

Women often pin all their hopes on a good mentor, aiming to engineer the kinds of career connections that seem to materialize organically for men. Myths about mentors abound. They are assumed to have superpowers for solving every kind of career dilemma, from meeting the folks in the next department to getting chosen for a career-making assignment. They are believed to have telepathic empathy, be unendingly patient, and be willing to advocate for you at every turn.

That sounds an awful lot like another American icon: Mom.

But your mentor is not your mom. Of course, your relationship with your mentor should be mutually productive and satisfying, but, keep in mind that this is about getting ahead in your career. Women sometimes expect a maternal level of emotional investment from their mentors and want someone who will look out for them like a mother hen. If you're emotionally overinvested, you're already off track. You'll be disappointed with your mentor in particular -- and cynical about mentoring overall -- if you have unrealistic expectations about the nature of this important relationship.

Here are five little-understood realities about mentors, and why a business relationship is better for your career than a mother figure:

1. You can choose your mentor -- and should do so carefully. As every angst-ridden adolescent knows, you're stuck with the mom you got. Not so with mentors. You can, and should, get to know likely candidates through industry associations, the women's initiative at your workplace, and through internal referrals. Quietly audition potential mentors by observing how they treat people in meetings and in casual conversation. Research their backgrounds to find those whose career decisions can inform yours.

2. You will have multiple mentors. You want to find a mentor who is just a few steps ahead of you in her career, because her advice will be relevant to your current situation and the current corporate culture. You risk a workplace "generation gap" by asking to be mentored by someone much older and much more advanced in her career. Build a list of candidates, though, who might be appropriate mentors in the future.

3. A successful mentoring relationship pivots on performance. Yes, your mentor is invested in your career -- to the degree that you apply and learn from her guidance. A good mentor will help you establish goals, assign you homework, and expect reports on how things are going. If you don't hold up your end of the relationship, you are wasting her time and she will cut you loose.

4. Your mentor wants the top line, not the backstory. Your mentor needs to know what you want her to help you accomplish. She will help you plot specific steps to achieve that goal. When you discuss with her how things are going, she wants to know what worked, what didn't, and how you are adjusting your plan accordingly. Give her the bullet points. She doesn't want to hear about the sibling rivalry issues sparked by your cubicle mate. Save that for your mom.

5. Coaches are not cheerleaders. Cheerleaders always find something positive to cheer about. Coaches focus on making you better -- in time for the next play. Your mentor will point out your strengths, weaknesses and how to improve.

Your mentor has a full-time job completely separate from mentoring you. She doubtless has altruistic motivations for helping you -- paying it forward, giving back, notions of capitalist feminism. Whatever her reasons, she is not getting paid extra for the time, energy and thought she puts into the guidance you're getting. So say thanks. And treat for the Starbucks.

Madonna collage image courtesy Clarita via Morguefile