What Was Andy Thinking…in 1994?

For the past few years, a column falsely attributed to Andy Rooney called "Why Older Chicks Rule" has been showing up in the nation's inboxes. "It's embarrassing. It's infuriating," Rooney told TV Week. Well, in the interest of starting to correct the historical record, we've decided to institute a new feature, "What Was Andy Thinking?" The concept is simple: We print a year's worth of Rooney commentary topics. We're kicking things off with 1994, and we won't be going in any particular order. Below you'll find what Andy was thinking about the year of Newt Gingrich's "Contract With America," the Nancy Kerrigan-Tonya Harding saga, OJ fleeing in the white Bronco, and Nelson Mandela's inauguration as South Africa's president. Enjoy. (OAD means original air date.)

01/02/94: "Classified Ads" - language in newspaper ads

01/09/94: "Television Magazine Shows" - not enough good stories to go around

01/16/94: "Ex-Presidents" - rating former U.S. Presidents

01/23/94 "Roman Numerals" - refresher course on Roman numerals

01/30/94: "Food Pictures" - food products don't look like the pictures on the box (pancake mix, cereals etc.) (OAD: 12/4/88)

02/06/94: "Sports and Money" - sports places too much emphasis on money

02/13/94: "Byron De La Beckwith" - the idea that only blacks were happy about the conviction of Byron De La Beckwith

02/20/94: "Japanese Trade Wars" - why doesn't the U.S. stop buying Japanese products until they start buying ours?

02/27/94: "The Spy Game" - what the CIA isn't telling us about spies

03/06/94: "Serious vs. Funny" - people have complained that Andy is too serious

03/13/94: "Repairs" - there should be a room in every home just for things that don't work

03/20/94: "Charles Kuralt" - Charles Kuralt's retirement

03/27/94: "Schindler's List" - the truth about the Holocaust

04/03/94: "Monotony - The Whitewater Game" - Andy invents a game based on politics

04/10/94: "Money Problems" - income tax deductions that Andy would like to take

04/17/94: "Kurt Cobain" - suicide of the 27-year-old rock musician

04/24/94: "Kurt Cobain Reactions" - people react to Andy's comments on the suicide of rock musician Kurt Cobain

05/01/94: "The Worst Inventions" - five inventions we would be better off without

05/08/94: "Tobacco Company Executives" - Andy gives advice to tobacco company executives

05/15/94: "Tag Sales" - Americans take great fascination in getting rid of the junk they no longer want

05/22/94: "Gifts - 1994" - things that Andy received during 1994

05/29/94: "Medal of Honor" (full length segment)

06/05/94: "Camp David" (OAD: 10/10/93)

06/19/94: "Uniforms" - different kinds of uniforms (OAD: 11/25/90)

06/26/94: "Shoe Sizes" - how shoe sizes are determined (OAD: 12/19/93)

07/03/94: "Inventions In A Drawer" - small inventions that are helpful (OAD: 12/12/93)

07/10/94: "Paper Products" - we are getting less in packages of paper products (Kleenex, paper towels, toilet paper) (OAD: 10/17/93)

07/17/94: "Speeding" - every driver excedes the speed limit on occasion (OAD: 11/24/91)

08/07/94: "On the Telephone 1993" - what people do while they are talking on the telephone (OAD: 4/18/93)

08/14/94: "How to Open An Envelope" - instructions for opening envelopes (OAD: 12/26/93)

08/21/94: "Progress" - do modern inventions really help (light bulbs, microwave ovens, television, computers) (OAD: 1/5/92)

08/28/94: "Free" - offers of "free" merchandise (OAD: 4/24/88)

09/04/94: "The 99 Cent Piece" - why is everything, including gas, sold for dollars and 99 cents rather than even amounts (OAD: 11/2/86)

09/11/94: "Sports Seasons" - professional sports seasons are lasting too long

09/18/94: "Women's Magazines" - articles in women's magazines

09/25/94: "Lawyers" - lawyers are too important in our lives

10/02/94: "Horns" - the way horns in different makes of cars sound

10/09/94: "Dictionaries" - names of dictionaries and words and pictures that they include

10/16/94: "Hometown Names" - names of cities and towns in the U.S.

10/23/94: "Presidential Survey" - rating the popularity of U.S. Presidents

10/30/94: "The Intelligence of Dogs" - rating the intelligence of different breeds of dogs

11/06/94: "Lotteries" - Andy doesn't like state-run lotteries

11/13/94: "Election Results - 1994" - the Republican takeover of Congress

11/20/94: "Early Christmas" - there should be legislation to stop stores from advertising for Christmas too early

11/27/94: "Men's Bags" - things men carry in their bags

12/04/94: "GATT" - people who were for or against the General Agreement on Tariffs and Trade

12/11/94: "Old Magazine Ads" - stereotypes in old ads

12/18/94: "Two of Everything" - why people have more than one of any item (cars, television sets)