The Wrong Way to Ask for a Reference Letter

Persuading a colleague to write a reference letter in your behalf shouldn't be left to chance. But I wonder if Jodi Glickman Brown's advice on a recent HBR.org post goes too far towards orchestrating a result?

Jodi, an excellent writer and consultant in business communications, suggests the following approach to lining up a reference letter.

1. Make sure the reference writer understands why you chose them.
2. Provide a template of what you would like them to cover in the letter.
3. Give the reference a "no questions asked" excuse to back out if they really don't feel comfortable getting in your corner.

It's number two that gave me pause. A big pause. Brown writes the following:

"Providing a template ... -- an outline, bullet points, or even a fully-baked draft -- of what you'd like the reference letter to say is the most effective (not to mention generous and thoughtful) approach to asking for a letter of reference. The goal isn't to put words into your former colleague's mouth or to co-opt her into vouching for you in an untrue or disingenuous manner; it's simply to do some of the work for her and provide all of the pertinent data points that you'd like included in the letter..."

As twice the recipient of such a "template," I have to say I was rather offended that I was considered valuable and smart enough to provide a reference, yet not seemingly trusted to come up with my own words or areas of our relationship I wanted to emphasize. An over-reaction? Maybe. But that's how I felt and still do.

One of Jodi's main points is that priming the pump, so to speak, is just being thoughtful of the person's time. "The last thing anyone wants to do is spend hours or days thinking about and drafting a letter which you yourself could have composed far better and more readily in about half the time." I disagree. My feeling is that if you think me important enough to use me as a reference, I'm happy to devote the time. You don't have to manage my schedule for me.

There is another potential flaw to this strategy: The reference letters "written" by your colleagues could start sounding awfully similar. This will be a red flag to whomever is receiving these missives, allowing them to recognize you as the micromanager you are.

So here is my advice. Ask for the reference letter, and then make an offer to help with additional information or ideas if asked. I suspect this approach will result in a response along the lines of, "Well, yes, what do you think is important to touch on?"

I admit I'm a little sensitive on this issue, so what's your advice when requesting a letter of reference? How far should we go towards "helping" the reference writer hit the right points?

(Job offer image by SOCIALisBETTER, CC 2.0)