The December Dilemma
It's known as "the December dilemma." This time of year, religious and cultural differences are magnified for married couples from different religious backgrounds who are raising children. CBS This Morning Co-Anchor Mark McEwen talks with Couples and Family Therapist Esther Perel on dealing with the holidays.
Many interfaith couples celebrate one holiday at home and share the other with relatives and friends of that faith. Others celebrate both holidays. One spouse often converts to the other's faith but continues to celebrate the holidays with relatives.
While statistics on the frequency of interfaith marriages among various religions groups are not available, they are believed to be high. The latest statistics from a national survey of the Jewish population, in 1990, indicated that 52 percent marry non-Jews.
With Hanukkah and Christmas both falling in December, much of the discussion is about combining Jewish and Christian traditions. And Kwanzaa, the African-American holiday, is on Dec. 26.
Here's how Parel suggests coping with multiple holidays.
Q: What is the best way for interfaith couples to incorporate both holidays into their homes, and should they?
A: It depends on the choice that they have made. Have they chosen to be a dual faith home? Have they chosen to be a Christian home? Have they made a singular choice or do they see themselves as a family which implements elements of both religions? That will give them the cue for how to approach the holidays.
 Couples and Family Therapist Esther Perel counsels interfaith, interracial, and interethnic married couples. CBS |
I recommend that parents look for the general messages that those holidays carry that can be embraced by both partners. Specifically for Christmas, there is the theme of peace and goodwill. For Hanukkah, the fight for freedom. Those are probably the central themes that these holidays carry which can be embraced by both partners.
They should choose the elements that they can both appreciate to make the holiday more meaningful. And, spend more time with the family, focusing less on the materialistic things.
Kwanzaa is also this month. Some of the major things celebrated during Kwanzaa are joy, community, and giving.
Q: How should parents explain to their child why they don't have a Christmas tree, for example?
A: The first question that parents have to ask is, what do you want your child to carry away from this holiday? I imagine in every family, and this is very important to interfaith families, that we want to communicate tolerance and respect for differences. So, we can tell little Johnn, 'we celebrate and respect Christmas to honor Mommy,' or, 'in our family we celebrate Hanukkah, but we are going to the grandparents' house who celebrate Christmas.'
I think the message of the holiday should not be focused on what we are not, but what we are and then what we do. And then, the child can go and do other things with other people. He or she will be told if what they are doing is part of what they are or if it is participating in what other people are.
Children may need a solid gounding and a sense of religious and cultural identity. If they have a solid sense of who they are they can go and participate in all kinds of things.
Q: Should parents choose a religion for their children?
A: I think that the parents should make a choice, but it doesn't have to be one religion.
I don't think it is up to children to make choices that the parents can't make. The choice can be to observe one religion or to have a dual faith home.
Often, when the parents say 'we will let the child choose,' they don't give the child something to choose from. The child is not well-equipped to choose and the child won't choose if they sense the parents didn't make the choice. Then the child is put in a position of choosing between the parents
Parents make the decision about what their children should eat, what school they should go to. Why don't they think it's important to make spiritual decisions? Also, children will choose if they have something to choose from.
I think that with every choice that the family makes regarding the spiritual choice of the family they should ask, who is it for? Is this a choice that works for the adults or for the kids? Some choices work for the adults but it's a drain on the kids.
Q: How should the adult whose religion is not the dominant one deal with the feeling of loss?
A: The feeling of loss is not just for the partner who is not raising their child in their own religion. The Christian will never have the exact same Christmas that he or she grew up with, and the Jew will need to re-examine the past images of Christmas.
The loss is for both people. Neither will have what they grew up with. But I think it is important not to obscure the background of the partner that is not in the dominant religion of the family.
There should not be any secrets or hiding. You deal with the loss by acknowledging it.
From the partners, there should be a tremendous acknowledgement of what it means for the partner who is not in the dominant religion to accommodate in that way. Then, if there are things that the partner wants to bring in from their past, they should.
One thing that I like to say is that, you read the same book in different languages and you can bring to your children the central values translated into a new language that is the one you have chosen to raise your children in.
Q: Misunderstandings can come up with in-laws when more than one religion is celebrate in the house. How can hurt feelings be avoided?
A: The strongest sense of loss is often for the grandparents because they are at a stage in their life which is not one when people begin to create new rituals. The grandparents thought that by now they had already learned the lessons of life and their role as grandparents was to pass on those lessons and those traditions. I think that it's very important for the grandparents to not feel that their childrens' choice is a rejection of them.
Questions come up such as, can the grandparents send a Christmas card to a Jewish child? The type of card that is sent should fit the religious choice of the family.
Q: Should in-laws be invited over to participate in a religious tradition that is not their own?
A: Yes, why not? I think if the family gets along and if everyone knows where they stand, there is no reason why the Christian family should not be invited to the lighting of the menorah if they are curious.
Now, the Jewish grandparents are not as likely to go to the Christmas celebration. They wouldn't necessarily want to go to a house with a Christmas tree because of what it may mean to them. To them it may signify that it's the end of a Jewish home. If the grandparents are not in favor of this, then they should be allowed not to come. Don't shove this in peoples' faces and don't make it as a sign that they don't accept your decision. Not every choice within an interfaith couple has to become a family event.
Q: "The December Dilemma" is not just a matter of how to celebrate the holidays together. Isn't it a matter of having to deal with different religious beliefs?
A: I agree. The December dilemma for Christians and Jews is a very fraught season. It's a focal point for Jewish and Christian couples and the holidays highlight the differences. The holidays highlight the religious linkage, the religious meanings, and family loyalties.
What happens if one spouse changes his or her mind about what religion they want for their children?
A: It is very important for couples to make some of these decisions very early on. At the same time, when you make these decisions before you get married, they are at the stage of looking for things they have in common and how to come together. But they are actually dealing with differences. It's a paradox. They may not know it, but they will agree to all sorts of things to get together.
So, when the real child comes along, it's a time bomb. They will say that they want to expose their child to the best of both traditions. It's beautiful language, but what is little Johnny's life going to really look like?
Is there pressure to make Hanukkah as important as Christmas in an interfaith family?
A: Yes, I think that each holiday should retain its own significance. I don't think that one should downgrade Christmas or upgrade Hanukkah. Hanukkah is not one of the most important Jewish holidays nd I don't think it should compete with Christmas.