It might be time for Steve Stone to come down from the announcer's booth and pitch.
And where's Ed Lynch when you need him? He's the Chicago Cubs' general manager, but they could use him on the mound, too.
The Chicago Cubs continued to come apart Friday night, allowing their highest run total since 1987 in a 21-8 loss to the Philadelphia Phillies.
"Do you want me to say something funny?" said Tyler Houston, who was behind the plate to watch seven Cubs pitchers including Gary Gaetti give up 21 runs and 21 hits. "I don't know what else to say."
The 21 runs were the most Chicago has allowed since a 23-10 loss to the Mets at Wrigley Field on Aug. 16, 1987.
"This is the worst I've been through as a manager at any level," Cubs manager Jim Riggleman said.
Added first baseman Mark Grace, "I think it's best to leave things unsaid, if you don't mind."
Things got so bad for the Cubs' staff that Gaetti made his third career pitching appearance in the eighth inning. He allowed a solo homer by Marlon Anderson who was 5-for-6 with two RBIs and four runs scored and an RBI triple by Doug Glanville.
Gaetti did strike out Kevin Sefcik.
"I think he struck himself out," joked Gaetti, who featured a 75-mph fastball and threw a couple of pitchers behind batters' heads. "I don't think I had anything to do with it."
Scott Rolen led the assault with his first career grand slam, his third homer in two games, as the Phillies scored their most runs in 14 years. They got eight in the first and seven with two outs in the fourth, and the 21 runs and 21 hits were season highs.
The Phillies' 35 runs in two games were the most they've scored since getting 36 also against the Cubs on May 16-17, 1979.
Ron Gant doubled and tripled in the first inning and drove in four runs, and Mike ieberthal and Rico Brogna hit back-to-back homers in the first.
"Their relief pitchers have been out there so much, they're throwing more pitches than the starters," said Lieberthal, who hit his 18th homer.
On fireworks night, a sellout crowd of 58,086 the Phillies' largest since 1995 also saw Sammy Sosa hit his major league-leading 31st homer. The three-run shot in the fifth off Paul Byrd (11-4) was Sosa's first in three games.
The Phillies had their highest run total since setting the modern club record of 26 against the New York Mets on June 11, 1985.
"What are you going to do?" Gaetti said. "This is probably the toughest stretch I've been through in my career."
The major league record for most runs in consecutive games since 1900 is 49, by the Boston Red Sox against the St. Louis Browns in 1950.
The Cubs came within two runs of tying the most they've allowed in a game this century, 23. The Phillies have done it two of the four times, including the memorable 23-22, 10-inning game at Wrigley on May 17, 1979.
With the Phillies leading 9-4, Alex Arias and Byrd followed with singles off Dan Serafini, with Byrd's hit making it 10-4. Serafini walked Glanville, and Scott Sanders walked Gant and Abreu, forcing in two more runs and making it 12-4.
Rolen, who homered twice Friday night, hit a hard liner to left for his 18th homer to make it 16-4. Sosa's three-run homer to dead center cut it to 16-7 in the fifth.
Byrd tied Curt Schilling for the team lead in victories, but allowed seven runs and nine hits in five innings.
Cubs starter Kyle Farnsworth (2-3), winless in eight straight starts since May 11, was pounded for eight runs six earned and seven hits in one-third of an inning. In his last two starts, Farnsworth's ERA is 29.45 (12 earned runs in 3 2-3 innings).
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