Afor allegedly carrying 48 vials of human growth hormone could have had something to do with Sly's decision to use a body double for the new action flick.
After six "Rockys" and now four "Rambos," it's time for the aging Italian Stallion to start mining some more gold from the archives of his stellar movie career.
Tango and Cash II: Tango And Mango Chris Kattan reprises the roll of a spunky and sexually ambiguous club dancer who helped him escape the stifling gravity of "Saturday Night Live." Smooth-talking cop Ray Tango is cool as a cucumber until he gets wind of sweet Mango.
Assigned to keep Mango safe from a violent stalker, Tango's desire to taste the forbidden fruit challenges his professional ethics. Will he cross the LAPD's straight blue line? The soundtrack is club remixes of the songs from "The Bodyguard."
If you subscribed to HBO in the mid '80s, chances are you've seen "Rhinestone," a feel-good, fish-out-of-water, country-fried comedy. Dolly Parton played a sassy starlet who has to turn a New York cabbie into an overnight singing sensation. Twenty years later, the tables have turned.
That cabbie has evolved into one of Branson, Missouri's most successful plastic surgeons. He has 48 hours to reverse his old friend's botched facelift and return her to the top of the country charts. (The following story pitch is fictional and does not depict any actual person who may or may not have had several sessions of elective facial reconstructive surgery.)
Cobra II: Bridgette Of Madison County
It's time to recapture the on-screen fireworks between Sly and ex-wife Bridgette Nielsen. Retired cop Marion "Cobra" Cobretti travels the Midwest with his watercolors and easel in search of natural beauty when he comes across his old flame Ingrid, now married, hanging the laundry in front of her Iowa farm house.
They quickly rediscover their chemistry in a large washbasin out back, and later in the hayloft above braying draft horses. Recommended dialog :"I hope you haven't lost your sting, Cobra."
Cobretti: "I'm not the same man. I've shed my old skin. Now let's shed some of these clothes."
Of course, this picture will only happen if Nielsen agrees to drop the myriad lucrative and artistically fulfilling projects she has lined up.
The Party at Kitty and Stud's: Redux
In case you've forgotten, early in his career Stallone made an adult film. Instead of recapping the complexities of this feature myself, I'll let the IMDB plot outline tell the story:
Kitty and Stud are lovers. They enjoy a robust sex-life, which includes fellatio and light S&M, specifically, Stud belt-whipping Kitty. Three women come over for a party and Stud services them, one after the other.
I suggest re-shooting it — scene for scene, line for line. Fortunately, the performance enhancing drugs that most likely will be needed on the set are completely legal. Someone with experience should play the clever and vivacious Kitty. Helen Mirren (of "Caligula" fame among other roles) could fill the part nicely.
Stallone's acting range would also allow him to recreate the works of other fine American actors like Tony Danza and Jim Belushi. Who wouldn't want to see "Who's The Boss: The Movie" or "Canadian Bacon II?"
However I must insist that Sly resist the temptation to remake the "Worst Film Of All Time" candidate "Stop Or My Mom Will Shoot." That film is perfect just the way it is.
Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.
If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.