Seeking Your Valentine: Tips, Trip-Ups

With Valentine's Day just around the corner, many people find themselves on the outside looking in at the dating game, or losing when they take part.

But on The Early Show Friday, relationship expert Dr. Phil McGraw said some basic guidelines can help get your love life back on track.

The idea stems from McGraw's latest book, "Love Smart."

Co-anchor Julie Chen pointed out that McGraw "basically took a large group of successful, single, fun women and three very eligible bachelors, and you put them together."

What was the biggest mistake these women made in trying to give a good first impression?

"My whole premise," McGraw explained, "is that we spend a lot of time loving dumb, and I want people to love smart. And loving smart means that you've got to go in with a plan. And the whole idea is, you've gotta go in with an idea of what is your defined product? Who are you? What is it you want to present?

"You don't want to try to be all things to all people. What you want to do is say, 'Alright. What is the best combination of me? The best combination of my characteristics, traits, skills, abilities, all those things that I want to put out there. And that's the horse I'm going to ride.' "

Kortte said, when he met the women on Love Island, he was turned off when he "didn't feel like I was being approached. I went to all the different girls and I talked to them, and I was looking for some kind of feedback. And if I don't get feedback, I'll discontinue approaching that person."

Kortte owns his own company, designing theme park attractions, and says he's ready to fall in love.The women on Love Island "thought he was cute," McGraw says. "But as Todd was saying, he was getting no feedback. You've gotta understand, everybody likes to be the star. And if you want somebody to feel good about you, then you need to make sure they feel better about themselves after dealing with you than they did to begin with.

"Dating is a game. It really is. A lot of people say, 'It's not a game. It's very serious.' It may get very serious, but it's a game. And you've gotta have some fun and you've gotta play the game."

Does it ever stop being a game?

"I don't think it ever stops being at least a negotiation," McGraw said. "And, you know, I've been married coming up on 30 years. And the negotiation window is still open. You still negotiate for your space, your ideas, your values. And if you approach it that way from the very beginning, then you're surprised."

Kortte told of a woman on Love Island whom he chose to try to get to know better twice tossing away a flower he gave her.

He said that made him feel rejected, but McGraw stressed, "What she said ultimately about that is that it was intimidating. She said, 'I've never received a flower from a non-family member.' But the truth is, she had trouble with somebody getting close to her in that regard and doing something sweet, which goes into what in 'Love Smart' I call 'the character of you.' You have to figure out what your needs are and what barriers you're setting up to defeat yourself before you ever start."

What did Kortte learn on Love Island?

"What's gonna change for me," he said, "is first impressions. I made wrong judgments on women and my first impressions were wrong. And that would have kept me from getting to know some amazing women on this trip."

"The No. 1 fear in all people is rejection," Dr. Phil added. "Here, a girl says, 'Here's a young, good looking, energetic guy. I don't wanna to be rejected,' so they don't go up. But you get what you ask for in this world."