Sales Message Improvement Clinic. Pt 2

Two weeks ago, I asked you to send me your sales messages so that I could rewrite them. In the first post based upon the messages you sent, I worked on five short "tag lines." In this post, I rewrite some field messages that are bit longer and more detailed. As before, I've added polls so that you can vote on whether I've improved the messages-- or not.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FIRST MESSAGE »Product: A piece of software designed to help non-profit organizations manage and produce fundraising events.

Current: Putting on a fundraising auction is hard work, and it's easier if you can spread the work out efficiently among your volunteers. Our web-based software lets your volunteers work from home. Since we also let you use your own credit-card processor on the night of the event, and don't charge any transaction fees, you'll also keep more of the money you raise.

Why it doesn't work: Takes too long to say what it says and includes a detailed feature message.

Better: When giving a fund-raiser, you need every volunteer effort to count. With our software, your volunteers can plan and manage your event, right from their own homes and offices.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE NEXT MESSAGE »Product: Operational planning method

Currrent: Most organizations face real challenges in reconciling corporate intent with operational execution. Delays in execution equal loss. Loss of a sale, loss of good people, loss of market position, etc. We propose using a seemingly simple tool, an Org Chart, to bridge the gap. The effectiveness of the idea lies in its simplicity and approachability. Everyone knows how to use an org chart. Simple but not simplistic. OrgEnt is a powerful tool that gives you deep and immediate visibility into your entire organization and allows you to model the financial results of potential changes in real time.'

Why it doesn't work: The solution sounds too trivial compared to the problem.

Better: You put a lot of time and effort into structuring your company. Why not use your org chart to help manage it more efficiently? OrgEnt lets you examine and tune your company's operational performance in the way that's most natural -- according to the responsibilities of your entire management team.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE NEXT MESSAGE »Product: Software to track management coaching activities.

Current: Placed in the hands of managers, ACME Coaching Software (ACS) supports all current processes that are already in place to ensure Coaching consistency and that follow ups are executed. The tool provides upper management the ability to analyze the coaching efforts and correlate impact on performance. Comprised of Coaching, Recruitment, Action Planning, Customer Satisfaction Surveys and Evaluation tools, the ACS offers a turnkey performance development platform for small businesses to multi-national enterprises alike. Building high-performance companies requires effective coaching and activity management. ACS is designed to support managers in targeting, planning, tracking, evaluating and encouraging employee performance. ACS combines 20 years of activity management expertise with the latest in web-based and portable technology.

Why it doesn't work: Awkward, wordy, full of stupid technical jargon and biz-blab. Incredible that anyone got paid to write this kind of crap. Sorry, but that's the truth.

Better: The quickest way to improve employee morale and performance is to turn managers into better coaches. ACME Coaching Software helps your managers learn better coaching skills, track their coaching impact, and evaluate their own coaching performance.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE NEXT MESSAGE »Product: Automatic price quoting software

Current: New customers are out there. They need your products and services. They are searching for you, they find you, they click, they visit...and then they are gone. If only you had offered them something they needed. According to MegaConsulting Inc. the #1 piece of information serious business buyers are looking for early in the sales cycle, but can't find on B2B websites, is budgetary pricing. Why not give them an easy way to request it and engage them immediately? QuoteMaster is a Self-Service Quotation Tool that grabs serious prospects like a magnet, solves a basic problem for them and starts the sales conversation. Imagine having a steady flow of self-qualified prospects; our clients average 10 per day, some more than 20.

Why it doesn't work: It starts to tell one story (website clicking) and then segues into lead generation. The two concepts are connect, but it's not clear how.

Better: Want to turn more of your website visitors into prospects? QuoteMaster grabs serious prospects like a magnet by providing them with the #1 requested information -- budgetary pricing. It jumpstarts the sales conversation and lets you know whether the customer wants you to take the sales cycle to the next step.

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE FINAL MESSAGE »Product: Management training

Current: Whether your working with individuals, teams or organizations, we'll work with you to understand what is working, what is not, and create practical solutions that work. Even the best training can begin to fade with time so we provide strategies to keep those learnig's alive such as leadership coaching, e-tips, and follow up surveys. It also means that if you already have leadership models or practices, you don't have to throw them out and start over.

Why it doesn't work: Ungrammatical, but let that go. The message is not very clear what's being offered and there's no reason for the customer to be interested.

Better: Are your training programs REALLY working for you? We can analyze and measure the impact and ROI of your current programs and ensure that they fulfill your expectations.