Rooney's rules on ice cream cones
The following is commentary written by Andy Rooney for a 60 Minutes segment which aired on April 7, 1985.
Almost everyone's good at something. I, for example, am one of the outstanding experts of the world on eating ice cream cones. One important rule of ice cream cone eating is this. Don't get involved with anyone else. You can't talk and eat ice cream at the same time. If you trade bites, you should be related or, at the very least, good friends. Don't try to buy a cone and bring it to anyone. Don't try to handle two cones at the same time. No one with a beard should ever eat an ice cream cone. Make it a practice to pay for your ice cream cone before the person dipping it gives the cone to you. Once you have an ice cream cone in your hand, it's very difficult to make change.
The most common mistake inept ice cream eaters make is to start at the top licking. Anyone who knows anything at all about ice cream eating knows you start at the bottom of a cone or at the sides and work up. Too many people twist themselves out of shape eating ice cream cones. They cock their heads this way and that. They strain their necks getting into position. Don't turn your head or twist your neck. Make your wrist do the work by turning the ice cream cone itself. Eating ice cream is nothing you should dawdle over--the quicker, the better. Get right at it. This woman is very good for a licker, but she's still a licker and that's wrong. You bite an ice cream cone with your front teeth.
Double decker cones are twice as good as single deck cones, but they aren't for amateurs. This is not the first double deck cone this girl has eaten, you can see that. Walking and eating an ice cream cone at the same time is something you should only try if you're an experienced ice cream cone eater. Many people find walking and eating difficult. Some fancy ice cream parlors have recently started this disgusting habit of wrapping paper around the cone itself. Unwrap it and discard that immediately. Once you've eaten the top and forced the rest of the ice cream down into the cone, it makes a delicious combination. No one wants paper in the way. If you need a napkin, keep it separate from the ice cream.