Political Laugh Tracks
CBS News' Eric Engberg
wonders why the presidential candidates - some of the least funny men around - are standing in line to do stand-up on the late-night network talk shows.
If you hadn't noticed, we created a new tradition during this primary season, the Presidential Comedy Talk Show Audition. It is true that candidates in search of TV exposure have been doing "couch duty" on late night TV going all the way back to Jack Paar - we kid you not. But in prior years, the Johnnys and Arsenios at the desk treated the visitors in a distinctly respectful, even fawning, manner.
The informal protocol called for the politico to get off a couple of well-rehearsed, self-deprecating one liners (written in all likelihood by a speechwriter), and then tell us what a great country this is. He was not expected to do heavy-duty shtick, and he was at pains to maintain some shred of the dignity of the office he sought.
This year, perhaps because the candidates know they must reach out to a generation of voters who grew up on the World Wrestling Federation and the McLaughlin Group, they have been doing everything short of taunting the host / interviewers to throw pies at them.
Hence, this first Wednesday after Super Tuesday seems like a perfect time, a la Letterman, to assess the Top Ten Lessons of Primary Campaign 2000. May I have the envelope, please...
- NUMBER 10
If you want to run as the insurgent, skip Iowa. Go directly to New Hampshire, as McCain did. Once there, kick Iowa over ethanol subsidies. - NUMBER 9
If you have a smirk, like W., lose it. At least avoid using it in public. It's all right to have an off-the-record smirk for days like today. - NUMBER 8
In both parties, political organization beats personal biography - even for war heroes and sports idols.Check Out 
Reality Check - NUMBER 7
If people think you're a stiff and a toady, move your headquarters to Nashville, ditch the blue suits, and costume yourself in cowboy boots and moss-colored shirts. Then hit someone right in the chops. - NUMBER 6
Diving into a mosh pit, however picturesque and atypical for one such as Alan Keyes, will not get you into double digits anywhere but Minnesota. - NUMBER 5
Money matters. W. needed every one of those $70-million he raised (plus $2.5 million from some old Texas pals financing an advertisig campaign against McCain which they wished to conceal from Bush out of concern for the sanctity of the campaign finance laws; and even greater concern that, as president or even Texas governor, he might feel unnecessarily compelled one day to grant them some small favor, thus sullying the selfless quality of the gift).COROLLARY TO NUMBER 5
If all you have is a family fortune, without a big time resume or compelling personal story, as in the case of Steve Forbes, your show will close before you get to Broadway. - NUMBER 4
Be the reformer. McCain once did a solo act as the reformer. Then Bush became the "Reformer With Results." Voters clearly respond to words with R in them. - NUMBER 3
Accuse the independents and Democrats who voted in the Michigan Republican primary of trying to "hijack" the party by crossing over. After you've locked up the nomination and desperately need these same voters in November, say you are "honored" they voted in the GOP primaries. - NUMBER 2
After benefitting from eight years of campaign contributions raised by White House sleepovers, Buddhist Temple fundraisers, and other outer limits money grubbing, announce that you have changed your slogan from "No controlling legal authority" to "I've learned from my mistakes; its time to fix a broken system." - NUMBER 1
If Michael Jordan, the world's most recognizable human, endorses your campaign, as he did Bradley's, don't save the endorsement advertisement for some future time. Get the thing on the air before you lose New Hampshire.