No Big Winners At Tame VMAs
Where are Eminem and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog when you need them?
Despite Shakira's ever-gyrating hips, Justin Timberlake's "SexyBack" and the obscured image of a naked midget, Thursday night's MTV Video Music Awards had about as much spontaneity as an episode of "Cribs."
"You didn't bring the thunder. You didn't bring anything," host Jack Black, looking at himself in his dressing room mirror, said during one skit, unintentionally summing up the evening.
Shakira and Red Hot Chili Peppers both started the evening with seven nominations, but British crooner James Blunt and avant-funk duo Gnarls Barkley were the only multiple winners. Blunt took home best male video and best cinematography for "You're Beautiful" while Gnarls Barkley earned best editing and best direction trophies for "Crazy."
Shakira won best choreography for "Hips Don't Lie" and Red Hot Chili Peppers won best art direction for "Dani California."
Pink's parody of bubble-headed pop tarts, "Stupid Girls," won for best pop video, Beyonce took home a trophy for her booty-shaking "Check On It" and Fall Out Boy won the viewer's choice award for their clip "Dance, Dance."
But nobody except a video choreographer's mother watches this show for the awards. Fans watch for the FCC-flaunting skits, nearly naked starlets, foul-mouthed speeches and those embarrassingly bad dance numbers.
They do NOT watch for lectures from former Vice President Al Gore on global warming. When does the phrase "here's a photo of a glacier melting" ever fit into an awards show?
Somewhere along the way, the MTV Awards seemed to have morphed into the Grammys.
Christina Aguilera, who previously shocked our senses as the dirty Xtina, looked downright classy as she performed her low-key ballad "Hurt." And there were no wardrobe malfunctions whatsoever during Timberlake's perfunctory show kickoff.
Instead, Black continued a trend.
In the opening sequence, he had a promising bit that poked fun at the show's increasingly staid reputation. Painting himself as the man to inject life back into the VMAs, he took to the stage in a moonman outfit — which caught fire.
But Black's shtick quickly got old. Even Lil' Kim, who once appeared at the VMAs wearing a pasty on one breast, failed to get the party started. Recently released from prison after serving time for perjury, she stripped off an orange jail suit to reveal ... something that resembled a funky business suit. Hillary Clinton has worn more revealing outfits.
Comedian Sarah Silverman made a stab at humor that failed miserably in a monologue directed at Paris Hilton, telling the heiress that she was too fat. "You seriously need to lose weight. OK. It's bad. You're like bigger than the fat Olsen twin," said Silverman.
The only unscripted moment of mayhem came when some unidentified person crashed the acceptance speech of Panic! At the Disco, who won video of the year for "I Write Sins Not Tragedies." Before any group member got to say a word, the crasher took the mic, giving shout outs to rapper Remy Ma and saying, "MTV never gave me my own show!" before handing the mic over to the winners.
Shakira and Wyclef Jean performed a colorful but rote performance of her smash "Hips Don't Lie"; Ludacris and Pharrell posed their way through "Money Maker." Not even Britney Spears and Kevin Federline, who appeared via videotape, could strike a spark.
One of the few highlights came from the band OK Go who performed the unusual treadmill dance that made them a hit on YouTube this year.
There was just one profanity-laced acceptance speech, courtesy of the rock group AFI, whose frontman accepted the award for best group video by saying: "We just won a Moonman — I am getting so trashed tonight!"
The night's hottest new couple, new buddies 50 Cent and LL Cool J, introduced one of the awards. But 50, perhaps with no more foes to beef with, was almost Zen-like onstage and offered no fun disses to excite the crowd.
Beyonce got some points for at least trying to deliver a show-stopper. Singing her call-to-arms, the anti-cheating single "Ring the Alarm," she appeared wearing a sexy trench coat and a searing gaze.
But while her voice was in perfect form, the performance was disjointed, and the out-of-place dance number in the middle seemed to steal the choreography from Janet Jackson's "Rhythm Nation" almost 20 years earlier.
At one point, the crew from the MTV grossout show "Jackass" gave one of its members an electric shock.
If only they could have delivered a similar jolt to the whole show.
Winners of the 2006 MTV Video Music Awards:
- Video of the Year: Panic! At the Disco, "I Write Sins not Tragedies"
- Best Male Video: James Blunt, "You're Beautiful"
- Best Female Video: Kelly Clarkson, "Because of You"
- Best Group Video: The All American Rejects, "Move Along"
- Best Rock Video: A.F.I., "Miss Murder"
- Best R&B Video: Beyonce featuring Slim Thug and Bun B, "Check On It (Pink Panther)"
- Best Dance Video: Pussycat Dolls featuring Snoop Dog, "Buttons"
- Best Rap Video: Chamillionaire featuring Krayzie Bone, "Ridin"
- Best Hip-Hop Video: The Black Eyed Peas, "My Humps"
- Best Pop Video: Pink, "Stupid Girls"
- Best New Artist: Avenged Sevenfold, "Bat Country"
- Viewer's Choice Award: Fallout Boy, "Dance, Dance"
- Best Video Game Soundtrack: "Marc Ecko's Getting Up"
- Best Video Game Score: "Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion"
- Ringtone of the Year: Fort Minor, "Where'd You Go"
- Best Editing: Gnarls Barkley, "Crazy"
- Best Cinematography: James Blunt, "You're Beautiful"
- Best Direction: Gnarls Barkley, "Crazy"
- Best Choreography: Shakira featuring Wyclef Jean, "Hips Don't Lie"
- Best Art Direction: Red Hot Chili Peppers, "Dani California"
- Best Special Effects: Missy Elliot, "We Run This"