Miss Britney, CEO
After a tumultuous 2006, Britney Spears has promised to return bigger and better than ever. But was 2006 really a series of media calamities or an orchestrated PR campaign? The inside word is Spears and her publicity team are busy working out their next steps for the New Year.
Before we look ahead to reforming my image for 2007, I just have a few questions about last year's moves. Whose idea was it for me to start hanging out with Paris Hilton? Who suggested I give the paparazzi a glimpse of my hoo-ha and who decided it was time to kick to the curb the man who fathered my two children?
You, ma'am. Those were your ideas.
You're damn right they were, and they kept me in the headlines, so don't forget who's running this show. Now, this year we need an extreme makeover. Let's start with a tell-all interview. Who should we get?
Oprah? Barbara Walters?
Don't you listen to anything I tell you? Britney image rule No. 1: I don't need them, they need me. I want someone desperate for my story, so desperate they'll do anything to get it. I gave Matt Lauer an hour in primetime, now he's cleaning my pool every other Saturday.
Sally Jesse?
No women. I don't want any questions that start with, "as a mother myself ..." In fact, we should write the questions. See if Geraldo Rivera will play ball. Moving on: I need a new image for the next album.
Naughty school girl?
Did that.
Biker chaps in an S&M dungeon?
Christina Aguilera did that. Where's the "gimmicks" folder?
Right here. We've burned through flirty flight attendant, sequined flesh-colored body stocking, cat-woman, leather bodice, butt cleavage ...
How about the sexually conflicted church lady? The cover will be very conservative. I'm in a maroon knee-length skirt and jacket. My hair is pulled back and I'm wearing librarian glasses, and I'm rubbing up against the base of a huge crucifix.
That's dangerous territory. It could alienate our core audience.
That's what you said about making out with Madonna and look how that turned out. Now I'm a lesbian fantasy. That reminds me — how long until we release the first volume of my bi-curious erotica?
I'm sorry, this is where I have to draw the line.
Settle down. Britney image rule No. 2: don't disseminate, manipulate. We'll release it under a pseudonym. But make it something obvious like "Spirtney Bears" or B.S. Federlove. Then deny I wrote it before it hits the shelves. What other product lines are we coming out with?
Your new line of clothing and accessories should be arriving from China soon.
Did you find out if the term "MILF" is copyrighted?
We can use it. There's a small problem with the nursing tees with the removable tasseled pasties. We had to use Velcro instead of the suction cups you requested. But I took the liberty of adding an item to your children's line — a glittered backpack with the phrase "junk in the trunk" airbrushed on.
Fine, but make sure they have an arrow under the words pointing down. Of course we have to expect the usual protests from consumer groups. If the MSM starts to pick it up, I don't know you, we never had this conversation, and you're a schizophrenic pedophile who lied on his resume to get this job, understood?
Of course, ma'am.
And don't call me ma'am anymore. I want to be called Miss Britney from now on. What else do we have to cover?
We're still looking for collaborators for your hip-hop album, Miss Britney. Jay-Z is busy and Kanye West wants top billing.
Then let's go old school. What's Salt-N-Pepa doing? Or Doug E. Fresh? Tone Loc, The Fat Boys, Heavy D, J.J. Fad, call them all. Anyone with a gold record in the '80s looking for some career revival can have a slice. But they have to pay to play. We'll start a bidding war. I want them pawning their fat gold chains and four-finger rings to get a piece of this action.
Genius! That way if it flops here in the states we'll make enough cash on the back end to push the album hard in Asia. The Japanese will buy anything.
But of course, it's not going to flop in the states, is it?
No, ma'am — I mean Miss Britney. We'll sell circles around the former Mr. Spears.
Good boy. Remember Miss Britney's motto for 2007: If you want to ride on my caboose, you have to stoke the engine. Now I have to go. I'm 10 minutes late to feed Jayden and I'm about to bust. Ta-ta.
Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.
If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.