Minding Your Child's Manners

The holiday season is a time when your child's manners, or lack thereof, are on display for all your friends and family to see. To share advice on how to help ensure that your child measures up, Diane Debrovner, senior editor at Parents magazine, dropped by The Early Show.

Teaching your child good manners is a gradual process. It can take many reminders before your child learns to say "Would you please pass the butter?" But if you set a good example, and are patient and try not to get frustrated with your kids, they will eventually learn.

Parents magazine found that 95 percent of parents think that manners have deteriorated in the United States. The magazine recently polled 1,000 readers, in conjunction with HIT Entertainment, the producers of "Barney & Friends," and found that 95 percent of parents think manners have deteriorated. But 98 percent of Parents readers also think it's never too late to teach kids manners.

A column about manners is offered every month in the magazine, in which etiquette expert Peggy Post answers readers' questions. Past columns are available at the magazine's Web site, parents.com. In addition, Peggy Post and Cindy Post Senning have written a book about teaching kids manners at every age called "The Gift of Good Manners."

Teaching manners is an ongoing process. You may feel you've succeeded in teaching your 5-year-old certain important manners. But when she's 8, she suddenly becomes more surly and rude. You have to continue to emphasize the same messages. Compliment your child when he is polite.

Even with toddlers, you can set the stage for learning polite behavior by being polite yourself.

• Always say "please" and "thank you." Even 2-year-olds can say "please."
• Promote empathy by talking about how other people feel when they're hurt. For instance, if you're reading a story like "Cinderella," you could talk about how hurt Cinderella was because her stepsisters were mean to her.
  
• Introduce sharing and turn-taking, although it's still tough at this age.
  
• Wash hands and face before meals.
  
• Use a bib (precursor to napkin).
  
• Promote use of spoon, and then a fork, and cup.
  
• Have the child sit at table in a high chair, but only use the high chair for eating and have the child leave the table when fussy.
  
• If you're going to a restaurant, bring small toys or crayons so the child can be occupied.
  
• Respond calmly to tantrums.

• Emphasize "magic words." As the child gets older, introduce phrases like "Excuse me" and "You're welcome."
  
• Rephrase things the right way. For instance, if your child says "Get me a glass of water," you can say, "May I have a glass of water, please?" and ask your child to repeat. You'll have to do this many times in many situations. Say "What do you say?" or "What's the magic word?"
  
• Set the stage for sharing. It's still hard at this age. If your child grabs someone else's toy, say, "It's not OK to take a friend's toy without asking. How do you think that makes Tommy feel?"
  
• Let the child help with simple chores around the house (emptying wastebasket or bringing silverware to the table) to introduce the notion of helpfulness in the family, and teach basic telephone manners
  
• Should be able to stay seated at table for 15 to 20 minutes.
  
• Wash hands
  
• Place napkin on lap. Cloth napkins are easier.
  
• Say please when asking for items on table
  
• Eat with utensils, not fingers - unless eating obvious finger food like sandwich or corn on cob. Serve fewer finger foods.
  
• Don't make bad comments about the food. If you don't want something just say "No, thank you."
  
• Chew with mouth closed.
  
• Sit with good posture without elbows on table.
  
• Ask to be excused from table
  
• Indoor voice and outdoor voice - teach that there are places where its OK for him to be loud and places where he must be quiet.
  
• Can say more than hi and bye. Look someone in the eyes when saying hello.
  
• Can practice shaking hands at home.

• Stay seated for entire meal.
  
• Praise the cook, even if he disliked the food.
  
• Put a pat of butter on plate.

If your child behaves rudely in public, it's best not to scold your child and embarrass him. You can apologize for the child or offer a gentle reminder: "Tommy, you forgot to say thank you for the present." But better to wait until you are alone and then talk calmly about why his behavior wasn't appropriate. Embarrassing your child is not being respectful towards him.

If you ask for your child's help with something and he says no, unless he's on his way to do his homework or something that's very important to do right away, you need to calmly tell him why saying no isn't an option. You might say, "I need your help with this. Just like you appreciate it when I help you clean up your toys, I need you to help me sorting the laundry." Depending on the situation, you might be able to come up with a compromise. "You can continue playing for 10 minutes and then I need your help."

If your child receives a gift he doesn't like or already has, teach him to say, "Thanks for thinking of me."