Lies To Self Lead To 'Lies At Altar'

When couples get married, they often promise to love, honor, and cherish each other. Too often, those traditional wedding vows turn out to be nothing but empty promises.

Psychologist "Dr. Robin" Smith, who often appears on "Oprah," says it doesn't have to be that way. Her new book, "Lies at the Altar," offers advice on building a happy and healthy marriage.

It's already red-hot.

On The Early Show Friday, Dr. Robin told co-anchor Julie Chen the book is for everyone, not just couples thinking of getting married or who are already married.

"What the book is really about," she said to Chen, "is living more in truth than in lies. Lies about what? About who we are. When you don't know who you are, it's hard to create, it's actually impossible to create, to carve, and to build the life and relationship of our dreams."

Dr. Robin made clear these aren't even intentional lies that she's referring to.

"(People) don't know who (they) are and often, unfortunately, because of the models that we've had in our families and on television, there hasn't been anyone who has given us permission, who has shown us the way, the path, into living more in the truth.

"So, we're afraid to let someone know who we are, because (we think) maybe they won't love us, maybe they won't choose us, maybe they'll decide, 'That's not the person that I want to spend my life with.' What we don't know is that, 'If I live with that kind of fear and I live covering up who I really am, I am cheating myself and minimizing the possibility of really having a good, strong marriage.' I mean, my message is pro-marriage, but it's about being married and being smart."

The problem, observes Dr. Robin, begins when we not only cover up who we really are to our significant others, but to ourselves.

"I think it starts, actually, with a cover-up to yourself, being an impostor. Again, not because we're bad. Not because we're liars. Not because we're conniving, but because we're afraid. We're afraid of knowing, really, who we really are, because we think we're going to lose out on choices and opportunities, not knowing that how we really lose out is by being the impostor, that is, the cheater, the thief, and the robber."So how can we face our real selves?

"Well," Dr. Robin responded, "there are several things. One, I always ask people, 'Tell me something great about yourself, and then tell me what some of your limitations are.' People can often come up with something good, but it's hard for people to be clear about where their limitations are. You know, they can talk about how they're a great wife in this way or a great husband in that way but, tell me where you have fallen short. And the falling short part is critical because, then, I have a place to know where do I need to do the new work so I can — in the book, I talk about showing up as a grown-up. Part of being mature and grown-up isn't age. It's about knowing who I am, what works for me, what doesn't, what my values are. Those types of things are critical to really know, first about me, and then about the person I want to spend the rest of my life with."

The book contains 276 questions for people to ask themselves, then their potential mates. The questions are designed to help determine whether two people belong together, if they're answered honestly.

"If you haven't gotten married yet," Dr. Robin said, "it's great, because you can go on this and use it like as an exploring mission where I get to know me, I get to know you, and not to be afraid of the truth because, again, we're scared because we haven't really learned that the truth will set us free, it's the only foundation to a good, strong life and marriage. But, for couples who are married who are thinking, 'OK, wait a minute! Let me put the seat belt on, because now I'm scared. I'm 20 years in a marriage. I have kids, and I don't know if I want to ask myself this,' well, where it is really useful for married couples is that they can track, 'Oh, that's where we have been stuck!'

"We don't have to throw marriages out. There are too many people getting divorced who actually have marriages that can work and be saved, but they don't have the tools.

" 'Lies at the Altar' is a tool to really empower your life, and then your marriage."

To read an excerpt, click here.