Laugh Track Abuse And Other Cruel Missives

It seems to me the American entertainment press establishment has gotten a little soft lately when it comes to stating the obvious.

We're like the overly polite host who refuses to say anything when a guest gets a little too friendly with our wet bar and makes obscene gestures to our teenage daughter.

So there are few things that have been on my mind and, against my editor's better judgment, I'm just going to come out and say them.

Is it me or is Calista Flockhart looking more and more like a platypus? Remember that Loony Tunes episode when Daffy Duck gets his beak blown completely off his face? At the risk of sounding like a conspiracy nut, I would not be surprised to learn that when they shot that scene, they had a young prop mistress with the initials C.F. who disappeared along with the beak shortly thereafter.

Calista's head defies the conventions of the human aging process. It's almost as if her face is getting tighter, forcing her lips further from her skull. A completely unreliable source tells me she's using an emaciated wood duck for a stand-in on "Brothers and Sisters."

Enough with the male nudity on network TV already. A glimpse of "Grey's Anatomy" stud Dr. McSteamy's glutes is not doing it for me. In fact, I was done when "NYPD Blue" tried to change my perception of Rick "Little Ricky" Schroder. That demographic was lost to HBO, Showtime and Bravo years ago.

Note to Jon Heder: There's a big difference between funny looking and funny. "Napoleon Dynamite" was hilarious. It's now clear your acting talents had little to do with that. "School for Scoundrels," "Benchwarmers," the appearance hosting Saturday Night Live — all painfully not funny.

I'm not a gambling man, but I'll bet one of my reproductive organs Will Ferrell acts figure-eights around you in the upcoming "Blades of Glory." Learn from Rob Lowe: if you're not funny, get someone to write funny things for you to say.

Canned laughs should be used as a tool, not a crutch. I watched an episode of the CBS sitcom "Rules of Engagement" the other night. The leadfoot handling the laugh track needs to ease up on the pedal. If David Spade were that funny he'd still have a thriving movie career.

If CBS really wants me to laugh, it should put the laugh track over the apocalyptic TV saga "Jericho." And maybe a fart noise over the shot of the mushroom cloud.

Watching average (see boring) people win money is not that interesting. Did NBC not notice how the bottom dropped out of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" The people on "1 vs. 100" and "Deal or No Deal" seem very nice. So why aren't they getting publicly humiliated? It's the American way.

Perhaps I've said too much. I hope this doesn't blow my chance to land an exclusive with Jon Heder after he earns a Golden Globe for best actor next year.

Or my shot at an invitation to the press conference when Calista Flockhart reveals her valiant struggle with a mysterious wasting disease that also causes severely swollen lips.

And I probably won't be on the list for the after-party when David Spade receives his lifetime achievement award from the Academy. I can always blame the wet bar.

If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.