Just Ask A Woman ... And She'll Tell You!

Mary Lou stirred up some deep feelings when she discussed the pros and cons of motherhood -- especially the idea that not every moment is sunshine and rainbows.

Mary Lou,
I am fascinated with the "Just Ask A Woman" series that aired this week. Great job! I am a 42-year-old mother of two girls, ages 4 and 8. I worked as a health teacher for 17 years, but recently made the decision to stay at home until my younger daughter goes to kindergarten. I can't tell you what a difference this decision has made on my personal life, as well as my family. For years, I struggled with "keeping my head above water" while trying to juggle work, family, household etc. My working friends, feel the same way. We have weekly discussions about how to get through the day without "losing it". Furthermore, we are so busy taking care of everyone else, our health seems to suffer. We eat on the run, don't have/take time to exercise, and are stressed all the time. Thanks for thinking of us! Cynthia

Cynthia,
So many moms put themselves last in line. It's a natural part of mothering to give your all to your family but I know you recognize that if you're not healthy, you can't even keep up with your mothering...So glad that you have your group of mom friends for support. They can also be your allies in making a plan for group walks or good eating...even if you just have an hour a week to start. Enjoy this precious time with your daughter...my best, Mary Lou

Dear Mary Lou,
I'm 47 yrs old with two young children. I took a break from teaching
in lieu of motherhood. Now, I'm easing my way back into the
workplace and find many young women in the process. Years ago,
before children, I worked for the telephone company; I worked nine
years without taking a sick day! So, I know what it's like to put
one's career before everything else. Now, I sometimes need a sick
day to take care of my kindergartener's ear infection. I'm in that
precarious position between caring for young children and
octogenarian parents. Working for a younger woman is fine if she is
like me, namely, no nanny, no housekeeper or support system. I can't
leave my sick children home from school and still come to work.
TBE

Dear TBE,
At your age, do you know you are exactly at the center of what millions of American women are experiencing? Our parents, thanks to better health and medical care are living longer ... and we are having kids later ... adding up to a 47 year old who's a parent up and down. Really tough. And the workplace needs to get with it and create more flexibilitly for moms like you. While an understanding boss is a boon, the real company culture and policies start at the top. I will keep making your voices heard. Meanwhile, I know you are doing an amazing job as a 'double mom.' You must be a great daughter yourself! Mary Lou

Good morning!
Just got finished watching your segment on motherhood. You have correctly portrayed the some of the the stress that comes along with motherhood except one huge fact. ALL PEOPLE WHO UNDERTAKE THE ROLL OF MOTHERHOOD ARE NOT WOMEN!!

I'm sure you can figure by now I am a Man that has finally gotten tired of the media and commercials portraying such a biased view of who really does what. Though I recognize I am in the minority of men who undertake this roll, we are a growing number and quite frankly find it disrespectful and insulting to have it portrayed in such a discriminatory manner. As my wife and four children always joke, I should be the one who gets recognized on mothers day! I do the laundry, make the kids breakfast, prepare their lunches, take them to doctors appointments,let the dog out, run snack bars at swim meets etc. along with accomplishing my obligations of being a father. All I'm asking is that you recognize all of us that fill this role because of what they do--NOT THEIR GENDER!!
Thank you,
John

John,
Fair enough! Sounds like you are the kind of Dad most mothers would kill to have for a husband. It's true that lately there are more dads being terrific parents, though as you say, they are a bit of a minority. Many women still tell me that "Dad is the play guy" but she is the one who takes kids to the doctors, worries about their friends, runs the schedules. The series is called "Just Ask a Woman," so our focus was on women and with a bit more time, we could have done a better job by Dads. So, hats off to you, point well taken. Mary Lou

Hi, Mary Lou,
I'm so happy to see that you have continued on with "Just Ask A Woman". So much has changed for me in the past nine years. I am a wife and a mother of two. My older child is four years old and has Autsim. When I saw your segment this morning on motherhood it was so helpful to see that all women struggle. Not just me. Sometimes it's easy to feel alone and it's difficult to admit that you're not super mom. Fitting everything into one day and still making sure everything is waxed, plucked and tucked is a tall order. When people say to me "How do you do it"? I always smile and say how much I love being a mother. While this is true, sometimes I'm falling apart and wish that I could be the one going to work each day. Forty-five minutes of alone time on the train sounds like bliss to me.

Thank you again for your efforts. You're giving an important voice to the average American woman.

Regards,
Victoria

Victoria, There's no such thing as the average American women ... they're all extraordinary, like you! And powerful. Figuring out when or if career fits into mothering is one of the toughest decisions moms wrestle with. You will know when it's time. Till then, congrats on doing the most important job on earth! Mary Lou

Mary Lou's segment on women and beauty brought this reponse ... from a man:

Mary Lou,
Saw you this morning while I was watching the "other" news. Every time I see a segment like this, I roll my eyes! It is "MIND-BLOWING" how much energy women spend worrying about their looks!

What amazes me is this: Did women get a memo when they were born that said "you will NOT age?" I mean the amount of energy and time they "waste" on worrying about their looks and buying products could be spent on something MUCH MORE worthy. Like working out. Or reading a book!

I don't know if it's an "internal" thing or the fact that women are influenced so much by the media. I think it's a combination of both!Exercising and eating right are the MOST IMPORTANT aspects to aging well! And if women didn't wear so much make-up, maybe their skin wouldn't get so clogged up! Isn't there a "Make-Up For Dummies" book? And white women do not have melanin in their skin, which is why they don't age as well as Black or Latino women. But a lot of white folks will NOT stop trying to get tans and laying in the sun!!! Oh well!

There's a product called Aqualin made by Micro Balanced Products in Tenafly, NJ that is the best moisturizer EVER made! Check it out. And from a man's standpoint: STOP worrying so much about your looks and work on your personality and brains!!!!

David from MD

Dear David,
Where can I begin?

I have to say I grinned when I got to the end of your letter, since after writing that women are wasting their money on skincare, you came through with a recommendation for a moisturizer! Do I smell a business here?

Anyway, here's the deal. Women aren't dummies or duped by the media...or themselves. Life can get pretty rough sometimes, and something as small as a makeup treat or spending a few minutes on your skin can actually be a kind of a break. Yes, there are women who are obsessed to the point that they pour dollars and hours into self-improvement on the outside. And there are others, young women particularly, who have overdone the tanning bed/teeth whitening drill -- threatening their long term health.

But for the most part, this is the only skin we have and it's our face to the world. I wish that men didn't judge women by their looks, but many do. And I wish that women weren't each other's critics, but some are. We are attracted to youth in every phase of our lives. My greatest hope is that as more and more women turn 40, 50, 60, tipping the population scales as we will for years to come, we will redefine what's pretty, what's young. That would be true wisdom. Till then, there's moisturizer. What did you say that product was called...? mary lou

When Mary Lou Quinlan appeared on The Early Show to talk about older employers working for younger bosses, she opened up an interesting dialogue among her viewers, who also had some questions about finding jobs and deciding what kind of work to pursue:

Hi, Mary Lou,
Thought you were terrific today. Ok, on the boss thing, I think it is so important to have someone who just gets what women are about in the workforce. I am not saying the boss has to be a female, but you have to invest the time to understand the needs/motivations of a woman. It is 100% different for men. How can we try to "train" our boss to want to take the next step and understand us? In the end, it will make us much more productive, but the boss just doesn't get it!
Maura from FL

Maura,
Well, I think that men and women can both make great boss material, but it's true that women have an advantage if they tap into their own unique female understanding. Many do. But there are some, still caught up in mirroring the style of the men they may have learned from...who strike a 'business-only' style, either to survive or out of habit. I call them mini-men, women who leave their female-ness at the office threshold.

Meanwhile, there are men who get it, for sure. But some who need the kind of 'empathy' training you describe. I always thought that the best trainers for male bosses are their own daughters. The day that their little girl grows up and experiences insensitivity or discrimination in the workplace --that will be the real eye opener for them! Thanks! Mary Lou

I work with a lot of younger women. I am 47; most of them are in their late 20's, early 30's. They are having babies; I'm sending my kids to college!

I work in an office, cubicle environment. Very quiet and professional. I dress up everyday, they dress down everyday. That really bothers me. However, they are comfortable while I am teetering on heels. I'm just not ready to give up looking like a woman!!! I'm not sure the younger generation was ever taught to look like women.

These women are definitely computer savvy. Some are very mature for their age; some are still acting like teenagers (wow, that's hard to deal with)! In general, there is much technology to be learned from these women. If we older women could gently instill the wisdom that we have gained over the years to them, and we could learn better technology from them, it would be a perfect situation.

My boss is a 50-year-old gentleman. Great boss, wouldn't trade him for the world. I would prefer to not have a woman boss again because of how emotional women can be. At least with men, you know they are basically the same everyday.

Trish from Indiana

Trish, Lots of great comments here! Sounds like you've got a real intergenerational workplace.

I hear the attire issue a lot. Young women tend to dress less formally and consider flip-flops as legitimate office shoes, where their older colleagues still stress sometimes over whether it's inappropriate to go without hose. The only way offices solve this, if they choose to, is with a policy that's a lot of "no's"...no tank tops, no jeans, etc. Or else, consider a mentoring session, where there's mutual sharing about what works and what doesn't.

Unless attire interferes with people's performance or concentration, I tend to be easy on this subject. But, the truth is, that we tend to promote the person who looks the part, in every way. Not just their attitude and skills, but the way they come across...and a skull and bones T-shirt isn't usually boardroom material unless your company is a start up in tech or advertising. And when it comes down to it, comfort is something worth learning...maybe we can take a cue from them! Why not trade your wardrobe advice for their tech insights!

And while you may have had an emotional female boss in the past, please try to stay open to future women in leadership. Without each other, we haven't got a chance ...
my best, Mary Lou

Mary Lou,
Between gasoline, property taxes and, not to mention, utility expenses rising it is very hard for me to go out and find a decent job with high enough wages to pay for day care and still have some money left over. As a mother of five children, three of them full-time students, it has become hard to reach this goal. My only solution is working out of my home.

I am concerned because there are so many companies that are scams. I did in-home day care for 11 years and I am no longer interested in doing this again. For this reason I have been classified as inexperienced in the work force, even though I do written Spanish translations on a need-only basis for local law enforcement agencies and perform on site translations for the United Way Play and Learn sessions (these are only once a week sessions in which we guide parents and their children with hands-on activities).

Could you guide me in the right direction? So far I have looked into the Iowa Workforce Development office and the internet. HELP!!!
Sincerely,
Struggling in Iowa

To Struggling,

Here are a couple of thoughts. In-home careers are booming because of moms like you. But you need to be careful to choose a home-based business that is reputable and that means, one you recognize. Too many fly-by-night companies are out there, so start by sticking with the big names like Avon, Mary Kay, Longaberger Baskets, Tupperware, Pampered Chef or the Scrapbooking companies, if you are crafty. Telemarketing jobs are also plentiful and keep you at home, but you need to be able to handle the stress and the turndowns ... not so sure many of us enjoy that!

Your language skills can be a great asset with companies who are offering information to the public, in the form of education or outreach. You might want to look at your work experience (you're not inexperienced at all!) and wrap together your work in education, service and Spanish language translation and approach a temporary agency near you. Also Momcorps is a new organization that aligns moms with work that matches their skills. Check them out on line (momcorps.com). Good luck!
Mary Lou

Mary Lou,
First, I have a question. Were the women you had polled for the article hourly workers, or professional? Their educational level would make a difference in their ability to embrace change in the work environment.

I think the question is more about generational differences than gender. I am a middle-aged professional woman, and I have had good experiences with women bosses a few years younger and a few years older. But of course, sharing the same generation with them made for better compatibility. I would welcome having a much younger woman boss if she had the experience of juggling demands of both work and family, but would be a little apprehensive if she were fresh out of graduate school. It would be difficult dealing with anyone — male or female — who couldn't understand that an employee has priorities outside the office. And ageism can rear its ugly head with either gender. If a younger boss can appreciate and respect the experience of older subordinates, there should not be too much trouble adapting to a different management style. I have two grown children, and I find many of the attitudes and expectations of their generation to be both exciting and admirable.

Anonymous

As far as the survey, the women were a mix of professional and independent businesswomen as well as some part-timers. Most have attended some college or graduated so they are pretty savvy about embracing change. The funny thing is that 50 percent said that they had worked for a younger boss at some point and most offered really constructive ideas on how to improve the working climate. However, given the choice of having a younger or older woman or a younger or older male boss ... the most preferred was an older man, the least ... a younger woman.

I agree that the strength of any boss, any age, is the ability to understand the motivation of their employees and their lifestyle needs. The only way to keep and energize great people today is to recognize what they need, give them the tools to succeed and the room to do the job the best they can. A smart young boss, even if she has yet to have kids or mortgages or other later-in-life pressures, has got to stretch herself to respond to individual needs with the same vigor she applies to getting the job done. The best ones, like Lisa in the piece, can do it and they will!
Mary Lou

Dear Ms. Quinlan, I am writing to inquire about what do you think are relevant interview questions one should ask on first interview.
Thank You, Betty

Start the job search process inside yourself. Ask yourself, what do I do best and what do I love to do? Ask yourself what kind of environment you are happiest and most productive in. Are you a loner? Better in a team? Do you like a workplace that busy and buzzing or one that's quiet and thoughtful? What are your needs as far as income, benefits, hours, vacations, location? Once you've outlined your "dream job," then you can start to isolate your search to those places that most closely resemble your list. You probably won't find everything you want in one place, but that's a good way to rule out where you don't want to be ... and to save yourself a bunch of questions in the interview.

Now, let's say you are preparing for the interview in a place that fits your general hopes. Do some research on the company and the industry. With the Internet, nothing could be easier. And you will get inspired to ask some questions that will not only show your interest, but will give you a feel for the company. For instance, let's say you discover that the company just won an award for being a good place to work, or just gave a scholarship to a local student. Ask them about it, affirm your interest in a company that cares, see just how enthusiastic and proud they are of that fact. (By the way, if they pass it off as a PR stunt, then you know that the company isn't all it seems.)

You can ask not only about the work involved, but about the past successful people who held it. If you ask what it takes to succeed in that role, you can quietly measure their answer against your own skill inventory that you did ahead of time.

Don't feel that learning about a job is all about asking questions out loud. Go early to the interview and sit in the lobby and observe. Are the people who work there happy? Visit the ladies room ... a great place to listen in on office gossip and a real way to get the truth. And find someone else who worked there ... they are a great source of the hard questions to ask. Better to ask ahead than be sorry later. Best of luck!
Mary Lou

I loved the segment. Especially with baby boomers facing the Internet-raised Generation Y entering the work force, age/generational issues in the workforce are becoming increasingly prevalent. I thought the statistic that only 2 percent of people would prefer to work for a younger manager was interesting. I'm curious what responses would be like if the question was not about preference, but rather "if confronted with a younger boss situation — would you be ok with it?" Please, let's see more segments like this!

Hi — I'm glad you brought up the issue of the "Internet-raised generation" in the office. It's true that Gen Y and even many younger Gen Xers have grown up with computers attached like umbilical cords. They are agile users who easily turn to e-mail before the phone, to google before asking a human being. That makes for fast movers at the office, which is great, but it can also leave older workers in the dust if they don't get on board.

What younger workers take for granted can tick off their older colleagues. For instance, text messaging back, "good job" may go unheard ... or misunderstood by those raised on sit down meetings. The trick for both "sides" is for older workers to take advantage of the learning opportunities afforded by younger colleagues. I admit to learning everything I know — technologically speaking — from colleagues 20 years younger. On the other hand, younger workers, especially those in boss roles, need to learn to appreciate the value of face to face when it comes to big issues. Blackberrying "Yup" ain't enough! With a little time and patience, it's a win for all.
Mary Lou

Mary Lou — I totally agree with the suggestions that you brought up today. As a young woman in corporate America, I really appreciated that you profiled a younger woman who is successful at the top. Great point that you have to be true to yourself at work no matter what your age. I believe that the key to working with a younger boss is as simple as respect. Everyone has to appreciate the different perspectives that are present and figure out what they can learn from each other.

Respect is the core issue in this discussion, no matter who's the boss. And the women I surveyed really wanted to get to solutions rather than complain. Dozens of women wrote to me suggesting that we cut each other a break and remember, as one said, "When we were young, we said stupid things too!" The piece of the research that concerned me even more than age, was that the women, who were largely aged 30-49 most preferred to work for an older man, when given the choice. Why? I'm afraid that women are harder on other women, and therefore remember a bad female boss for life. It gets real personal, real fast. While with a bad male boss, a woman can shrug her shoulders and move on, too often I hear women holding longtime grudges against women bosses ... as if a friend had disappointed them.

Gender, age, the workplace throws us all together to make the best of it. Just like life.
Mary Lou