"Idol" Auditions: A Parade Of Oddities
"American Idol" is always a lot of fun to watch. It's carefully orchestrated to highlight every kind of human drama imaginable.
The season six premiere featured a girl who was born a crack baby, an Army Reservist whose husband was fighting in Iraq and 6-foot-4 woman who was forced to leave the Air Force because of her weak heart.
These are the people who are supposed to make us feel good about the show. They are the underdogs looking for their big break. Remember Fantasia? She couldn't read when she auditioned for the show during season three. She won. How much better is her life now?
But for the most part, the odds that that will happen are meager. Of the 10,000 people who auditioned in Minneapolis, Minn., only 17 moved on to the "Hollywood" round. The show is set up to make it appear that each of those 10,000 contestants sang for judges Paula Abdul, Simon Cowel, Randy Jackson and guest judge Jewel.
But a little research proves that most contestants don't ever see the sacred three. Rather, as an MSNBC reporter who wrote an essay about her audition reported, contestants are broken into 12 groups. Each contestant sings about 15 seconds of a song for two judges. They are given a ticket that allows them to move on to sing for "So You Think You Can Dance" and "American Idol" producer Nigel Lythgoe. He then picks who sings for Paula, Randy and Simon. This means that every odd-ball on the show had to go through three other people who each made him think he was good enough.
Meanwhile, Simon and Company pretend to be astounded that these people actually think they can sing. Paula continually sips (17 times that were caught on camera on the first night) from her red Coca-Cola cup and occasionally throws up her arms in total disgust. Other times, when she is feeling charitable, she will punch Simon in the shoulder for being "rude." Randy says something like, "No dog, no," and Simon put the nail in the coffin with a comment like: "That. Was. Horrendous."
Most of the time, we laugh because we assume the people are simply being funny — or so we hope.
Photos: "American Idol"
Photos: The Road to "American Idol"
The highlight of the two-day premiere was 27-year-old Darwin "Misha" Reedy of Seattle. The buxom platinum blonde who sported a Dutchboy style hairdo and bright red lipstick told Ryan Seacrest that her look (she wore a gold blouse, a knee-length black skirt and sneakers) could be summed up in one word: "Sexy."
She then told the judges she wrote a novella about a talent competition featuring a character inspired by Simon. She was joined by her nearly identical mother who beamed with pride when her daughter swayed back and forth as she sang a monotone version of the Pussy Cat Doll's "Don't Cha." Darwin didn't make it through and she seemed OK with that.
One young woman in Minneapolis made a "Wizard of Oz" poster dedicated to Paula, Randy and Simon and presented them with a remarkably accurate impression of the cowardly Lion.
"I'm different than anything else out there!" she protested when they turned her down. "I have great range!" The "Urban Amish" guy from Wisconsin, who claimed never to have seen the show created his own little melody that contained the gem: "This catalog I found, sells roaches by the pound." They had to know that there was no hope, right?
"He's just happy," Paula said as she went for another gulp of whatever was in that red cup.
It was hard to know if Steven Thoen, aka "Big Red" from Seattle, was serious when he sang his off-key falsetto version of "Bohemian Rhapsody" after confidently announcing that he was most often compared to Queen front man, Freddy Mercury.
"People tell me I look like Carrot Top, but that I'm way cooler than him," he earnestly told the judges. After the judges flatly told him "No," he challenged Simon to coach him and mold him into an American Idol.
"Don't sing it, just bring it," he said.
We take solace in the assumption that these people were probably aware that they will not be the next Kelly Clarkson or Carrie Underwood and are, in their own way, poking fun at the show.
But sometimes there are those who really seem shattered when they are laughed at and told no. The opening spot in Minneapolis about Jessica the make-up artist was heart-breaking. The show's producers took the time to do a profile on her, immediately causing us to wonder, "Is she really good or simply terrible?"
They traveled with her to the Mall of America to observe her at work. She told them that she wants to be the kind of artist who inspires people, like her idol, Jewel — of course.
When Jessica came before the judges, they seemed to know what was coming.
Immediately, Simon mocked her outfit. Then she broke into an unimpressive version of Jewel's hit, "You Were Meant For Me." It was obvious that Jessica was trying to mimic Jewel's trademark guttural sound, to her own detriment.
"We're trying to find the best and that was so far off," Randy told the stunned girl.
"I thought I was ready," she whimpered.
Jessica didn't protest like other disgruntled contestants. She didn't fight back or yell obscenities. She left and fell, sobbing, into the arms of her family and friends. There was nothing funny about it.
By Caitlin Johnson