I Fired My Husband to Save our Marriage
By Ellen Cooperperson, CEO, President of Family Division, Corporate Performance Consultants, Long Island, N.Y.
In 2002, I lost my executive assistant at Corporate Performance Consultants. That same year, my husband took an early buyout package from Verizon, where he had been a manager in customer service for 30 years.
I needed to fill the position at my company, and my husband was looking for a corporate job. He had previous experience with bookkeeping and working closely with executives at Verizon, so we decided he could temporarily fill the role until I found a permanent replacement. It sounded like a great idea at the time, but it turned out to be a big mistake -- and one that I would eventually have to correct.
We got comfortable
At first, working with my husband was incredibly convenient. His thirty years of experience at Verizon meant he didn't need very much training. On top of that, we were always together, during work and after, which meant that I had an executive assistant by my side 24/7. Sometimes we'd plug in at midnight and do work together. A few months turned into two years, and eventually I forgot about hiring a permanent replacement.
Things fell apart
I hadn't considered how being my husband's boss would affect our marriage. Part of what makes marriages work is that each person contributes a unique perspective to the relationship. They bring something fresh to the table from their own lives. But after two years of working together, we no longer asked how the other's day was because we already knew. Before I hired him, my husband was someone who could distract me from the stresses of work; now he was part of my work life.
At work, my husband was no longer my husband. He was my assistant. Many of our clients didn't even know we were married. I felt like he was losing his own identity and becoming an extension of me. Sometimes when he made errors in bookkeeping or was late for a meeting, I wondered if there was something else he would rather be doing.
Our relationship became strained in other ways. For instance, I held my husband to a higher standard because of his relation to me. I thought he should be a role model to other employees. Of course nobody's perfect, so my husband inevitably made mistakes and I became more and more frustrated. When I had to talk with him about the mistakes, it further emphasized his subservient role and undermined the equality in our marriage.
I fired him
Six months ago, my husband made a mistake that almost lost my company a major client and cost us hundreds of thousands of dollars. I invited him into my office the day I found out and told him about the problem. I was furious. He could tell. He said half-jokingly, "I think I am going to kill myself." I looked at him and said, "Make sure your life insurance is in order if you do," and was silent.
I was immediately sorry I'd made such a cruel remark. One of my cardinal rules is never to speak to an employee in anger, and I regretted breaking this rule, especially with my husband. To keep myself from saying anything else I'd regret, I asked him to stay clear of me for 24 hours to give me time to cool down before we discussed it again.
When we reconvened, rather than scolding him, I told him that I felt his heart wasn't in the job. He could be happier and more focused working somewhere else. I told him he could use the office to job search, and I put him in touch with our career counselor.
My husband was hurt, but he saw the truth in what I was saying. The realization that we couldn't work together saddened my husband, but he also saw that our working relationship was hurting our marriage. In the long run we both knew we'd be happier working at separate jobs. He used the opportunity to consider what type of work would make him happy.
My husband is happier and our marriage is strong
Now my husband works as a counselor at a substance abuse rehabilitation facility. He coaches patients and leads seminars, and is passionate about the work he is doing to help others.
Putting some distance between us has helped him to better understand the strains of my job and the importance of having someone to come home to who isn't part of my working life. I have hired a new executive assistant, and our marriage is stronger than ever.
-- As told to Harper Willis
Ellen Cooperperson is an advocate for children with autism. She recently wrote an op-ed piece for Newsday about public funding for children with special needs.
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