MoneyWatch

How to Rewrite a Lousy Sales Letter

By Geoffrey James

Updated on: April 26, 2010 / 9:34 PM EDT / MoneyWatch

Yesterday in "How NOT To Write a Sales Letter" I deconstructed a fairly awful sales letter intended to convince new homeowners to replace their windows. Here's my rewrite, with numbered annotations:

Your windows could kill you... and your family. [1] It's true! Numerous studies show that the greatest hazard from high winds is flying glass from easily-broken windows and doors. [2] And that's not all. Easily-broken glass in your windows and doors marks your home as a easy-access target for burglaries, even when you're at home! [3]
Acme Glass specializes in quickly and inexpensively replacing dangerous windows and doors with high-quality, shatterproof replacements. [4] In fact, we've recently helped one of your neighbors upgrade his home. We would be happy to provide you with his address so that you can see that "safer" means more attractive as well.[5]
By the way, today's windows and doors also save on your energy costs, and can even pay for themselves in a few short years. [6] We carry a full line, for all budgets, and have been in this business since 1985, exclusively serving the tri-county area. [7]
Right now, we're running a special sale on ________, [8] making this the perfect time to protect your home and family, while saving money in the process. If you call us, we can give a quick consultation and estimate, completely free of charge. [9]

Appeal to the emotions! Get the reader to sit up and take notice!
This is for "hurricane alley" in Florida, so you'll want to read more.
You've now scared the bejezzus out of the prospect, so...
Here's the solution to all the pain, danger and worry.
Create credibility with a reference from a neighbor/peer.
Buying now creates pleasure as well as avoids pain.
Creates a little credibility, just to top off the peer reference.
This explains why you should buy now -- a key point.
Lower the risk a little, so that the customer will actually call.

Overall, the reason that the above letter "works" and the original doesn't is that the rewrite is concrete and emotional, while the original abstract and intellectual. I explain about this dichotomy in the post "How to Create a Compelling Sales Message."

Readers: Last time I did this exercise (with an elevator pitch), a reader sent in a rewrite that was much better than mine. Anyone care to give it a try?