Healing From Infidelities

In Patskala, Ohio, miles away from the White House, Dee and Matt Ghiloni are watching the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal unfold. They know the pain that the first family is experiencing. CBS News Correspondent John Roberts reports.

"It's adultery and it's wrong," Matt, "And unfortunately, a lot of people get themselves in to this mess -- like us."

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Dee and Matt were married just one year before they both had affairs. Seven years later, Dee had another, this time nearly ending their marriage.

"I didn't understand at the time what was missing, and in an effort to find something to fulfill myself, I ended up having another relationship with someone that I worked with," Dee says.

But the Ghilonis say couples can survive affairs and forgive each other. After 16 years, they're still together. They think the president could take lessons from their experiences.

"I think adultery, if you deal with it, is a forgivable sin," Matt says. "But if you hide, lie, and continue to lie, that sin is not forgivable because you don't allow it to be."

While Americans are increasingly less tolerant of adultery -- 80 percent think it's wrong -- close to a quarter of those surveyed have admitted to cheating. A University of Chicago National Opinion Survey says 22 percent of married men and 14 percent of married women have had affairs.

Peggy Vaughan, the "Dear Peggy" of the Internet, has survived her own husband's infidelity. Vaughn has written a book on the subject and now helps other people deal with the issue. She believes the president's troubles reflect not just an individual's failing, but society's as well.

"We need to acknowledge that we are irresponsible about sexual issues as a society. The inevitable result of that is affairs and lying that goes with it and the pain that goes with those people that face it," Vaughn says.

"I misled people, including even my wife, and I deeply regret that," President Clinton said in his Aug. 17 televised address to the nation in which he admitted his affair with former White House intern Monica Lewinsky.

In Vaughn's view, the president's admission of the affair is the first step in rebuilding his relationship with his family and the country. But she says, it will take more.

"Forgiveness is a byproduct of a development of trust that comes with ongoing actions that are trustworthy," Vaughn says.
Sociologist and family counselor Constance Aarons says many people find it hard to imagine forgiving that kind of betrayal, but contends that most couples struggling witinfidelity do stay together and find a way to forgive.

"Forgiveness is a very long complex process," says Aarons.

"People might say to themselves if my husband if my wife ever betrayed me, I wouldn't stay with them and then find themselves acting very differently if the betrayal occurs," Aarons adds. "Being able to forgive the other person for an adulterous behavior takes a lot of hard work."

"Eight years ago, if this had been going on, the TV would have never come on, the newspaper would have never come into the house because, it would have been too painful," Dee says.

Matt and Dee say hard work, their faith, and a program to help them communicate better helped keep them together. But the healing process wasn't easy, and it's not done.

You can't imagine the guilt that you feel, then on the other end you can't imagine the pain you feel," Matt says. "The first thing that came to mind is that I'm sorry."

"I don't want to forget," Dee says. "I learned some valuable lessons. To say forgive and forget - that's taking a step back to me. I worked hard to get where I am. I'm proud of where I am."