Drop The Smirk, Part The Hair

At the mid-point of the Republican convention, American audiences have seen that long-windedness, clichés, and delegates dressed as if they're going to some bizarre patriotic Halloween party are not just the province of the Democrats.

The good news is that I have compiled the results of last week's Pre-Convention Presidential Garver Poll. My poll is 100 percent pure — there is absolutely no scientific basis to it.

I received more responses to last week's column than to any previous column. Either this demonstrates that people are increasingly taking the tight presidential race seriously, or that more and more people want to participate in something that is silly and fun. I'm happy either way.

BIG STUFF: 76 percent of those who responded said they would rather have a president whose family is involved in Big Ketchup than Big Oil.

JOHN EDWARDS: About 60 percent feel that we haven't seen more of John Edwards in the campaign because he's waiting to look older before going out in public again, while 40 percent feel he's been at the "undisclosed location" with Dick Cheney.

NOT SURPRISED BY THE CONVENTION: 40 percent said they would be most surprised by George W. Bush performing a gay wedding at the convention. Thirty-six percent said they would be most surprised by Colin Powell telling us what he really thinks. And 24 percent said they would be most surprised by Dick Cheney saying, "Maybe there really aren't any weapons of mass destruction over there." It looks as if 100 percent of them will be disappointed.

THE DEBATES: While many people said they would like to see President Bush insisting that Dick Cheney accompany him at the debates, and others want the Bush twins to debate Emma Claire and Jack Edwards, more than half of the people said that what they would most like to see at the debates is, "either candidate actually answering any question."

CAMPAIGN CONFUSION: Less than 4 percent found the Electoral College confusing while about 17 percent are confused by President Bush's position on stem cell research, and one-third are confused by Bill Clinton looking younger now than when he was president. Over 40 percent are confused about why both sides talk so much about how they're not going to talk about Kerry's military career.

ANGER AND ENVY: Only 4.5 percent are angry that John Kerry has a really rich wife, and 13.6 percent are angry that George Bush has a really rich father, but an overwhelming 81.2 percent are angry that they don't have a rich spouse or a rich father themselves.

THE UNDECIDEDS: 12 percent think the undecideds are waiting for Kerry to say he only deserved two Purple Hearts, and 31.7 percent feel that the undecideds are waiting to find out where President Bush was when he was supposed to be with the National Guard. But the largest number of people feel that the undecideds are waiting for Osama's capture to see if he'll say, "The United States never would've found me if that war hero guy were president."

YOUNG VOTERS: 15 percent thought that more young people would vote if the candidates dressed hipper, 42.5 percent thought the candidates should rap their speeches, and an equal 42.5 percent thought more young people would vote if there were just better candidates from which to choose.

WILDEST POLITICAL FANTASIES: Only 4.6 percent fantasize about some evidence that Ralph Nader has been a crook all these years, 17 percent dream about John Kerry accidentally slipping into French while making a speech in Ohio, and 42 percent would love it if President Bush said, "Let's not count any state whose governor happens to be related to one of the candidates." For about 37 percent of the people, their biggest fantasy would be if both sides were positive and refrained from badmouthing each other for the rest of the campaign.

WINNING IS NO MYSTERY: I saved the best for last. An overwhelming number of readers feel that the thing that annoys them most about George W. Bush is "The Smirk." The thing that annoys people the most about John Kerry is "His Hair." So, if Mr. Bush wants to win, all he has to do is drop the smirk. If Kerry wants to be president, all he needs is a different hairstyle. It's all so simple. Why do they spend millions of dollars on this thing?

By Lloyd Garver