Does Microsoft Pay Bing a Royalty Fee?

Dear Stanley,

I'm sure you get asked this a lot, but how much is Microsoft paying you to use your name?

Signed,

Jerry

Dear Jerry,

Not a thing. Not one red cent. Not a can of beans. Not the condensation off a lettuce leaf. Here I was, being Bing for a long, long time, and all of a sudden Microsoft comes along and poaches all my goodwill, all my credibility, all the equity I have established in this, the Bing Brand. And there was very little I could do about it. Oh, I suppose I could have hauled them into court and made them spend all that money to defend their shameless appropriation of one of American business's best-loved marquees. But that would have wasted not only their time but mine as well. Have you ever been in a lawsuit? It's not pleasant, let me tell you. A few years ago, I had to sue a landlord for $342 for something having to do with a malfunctioning washer-dryer that needed a replacement part. It took me weeks to get the guy to appear in court at all, and even after I won he never paid me. I could see Microsoft doing the same thing to me. And what would I get from suing the entity that runs the operating system on the computer in my office? Who's to say what kind of retribution that could take on my kernel?

I did issue an international press release at the time, which registered my reaction to the advent of the other Bing. And Microsoft reached out to me and offered their idea of compensation: a bottle of liquor and a box of cigars. I am still waiting for that peace offering. I am not optimistic, however. Now that it's something of a success, the other Bing doesn't have to worry about me, the original. You never remember the little people who helped you on the way up, you know.