Column: President-elect Barack Obama Is The Antichrist

This story was written by J. David McSwane, Rocky Mountain Collegian

It's absolutely true, though. Seriously, Google "antichrist," and you'll find the O-man.

But in my best maverick impression, I tell you, my friends, at least he's not Sarah Palin or George W. Bush (ugh, the taste of that name in my mouth -- it's like vegemite spread over cow pie).

Wait, I must calm myself with my Republican-prescribed mantra, "f*** trees!, f*** cars!"

I digress. Back to my point: Obama is the Antichrist.

It all makes sense -- a charismatic neophyte just took the White House; he inspired a generation of disaffected young people; he does that awesome, silent look up and away thing in between his beautiful rhetoric; he's a black man; he's irresistible to women (and men); he's funny when he wants to be, serious when it matters; and his antenna-like ears have allowed him to actually listen to grumblings of the working middle class.

What's most terrifying of all, though -- the world loves him. France, well, they're giant pansies, so we could have seen that coming. But Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmedinejad congratulated him on his victory. Holy crap. He's the impotent leader of the notorious Axis of Evil. Like the Three Stooges with guns -- on PCP. But it sounds like we might be working toward diplomacy. Nothing beats "precondition" like a good ego stroke.

Not only has our generation been privileged enough to witness a momentous step forward with respect to civil rights, we might be witnessing the prelude to peace in the Middle East.

Unfortunately, according to the Bible, that means we're all doomed. And did I mention his chief of staff's name is Rahm Emanuel?

According to thinkbabynames.com, "Rahm" means Ram, which means "pleasing" and "supreme." Emanuel in Hebrew, of course, translates "God is with us." He's clearly Satan's servant.

If Obama's the Antichrist, according the Revelation chapter 20 verse 10, he must have a false prophet. That's a no-brainer -- Oprah.

Now I, as many of you did, drank the Obama punch, which incidentally tastes like those snazzy, foil-topped purple drinks that as children we all loved. Yes. I voted for Obama. And I didn't even have to give the voting booth clerk any change.

Maybe it's nihilism that inspired me to -- quite ironically -- vote for the candidate I knew to be the AntiChrist. I mean, Armageddon sounds like a kick-ass party, and I really want to be invited. Or maybe it's the fact that if all the Christians suddenly disappeared in the Rapture, Fort Collins traffic wouldn't be so dreadful. Or there's always the fact that my job as a journalist would get really interesting.

Anyway, this may come as a surprise to you, but I have read the Bible, and I attended a white, hate-breeding conservative private Christian school for most of my education (so did another staff columnist; I'll let you guess who). It's true.

When it comes to contradictory and nonsensical interpretations of scripture in contemporary society and politics, I consider myself something of an authority.

So when I say Obama is the Antichrist, I'm not just one of those racist nuts who read the "Left Behind" series and draws comparisons to fictional politician Nicolae Carpathia.

Well, that's not entirely true. (Most of my evidence that Obama is the Antichrist comes from those novels (But I'm also told people don't read parenthetical information)).