Celtic Implosion Hands Lakers NBA Title
It was like watching a drunk policeman get behind the wheel of his car, lean out of the window and tell you to drive safely.
It was like the accountant who lives next door.
He's been a stoic pillar of the community all his life. Then, one day, he walks down the street in his boxer shorts, humming the greatest hits of Johnny Cash. Shortly afterward, he is taken to a mental institution.
For most of three quarters of a cataclysmic 83-79 loss to the Los Angeles Lakers in the decisive Game 7 of the NBA Finals, the Boston Celtics were entirely in character.
They were muscle and hustle. They were style and guile. Well, at least a little.
Then, without any prior warning, they cracked. They became the Magnificent None.
They led by 13 points with the best part of the third quarter behind them.
Just keep it together. Just do what you have to do and the pension will be there. So will the second home in Panama.
Instead, the Celtics experienced a brain freeze as complete as if a ton of Ben and Jerry's Mission Marzipan had been forcibly shoveled into them by the Laker girls.
There will be those who will point to the Lakers' greater desire. There will be those who will say that the Lakers had the best player, Kobe Bryant, the man who lifted the series MVP trophy.
But if the Lakers had an MVP Thursday, it was not Bryant.
Though he had 15 rebounds, he made a mere 6 shots out of 24. He missed every one of the 6 three-point attempts. If this is a star, he has a very good agent.
Bryant wasn't embarrassing. It was worse. He was ordinary.
There is no comparison between Bryant and Michael Jordan. There is no comparison between Bryant and Magic Johnson. There is every comparison between Bryant and serial NFL retiree Brett Favre.
Even though he is less exciting than Favre, Bryant is someone who wants so much to be seen as great that, like Favre, he somehow always falls short.
After Game 5, Bryant had reportedly complained that he didn't have the support. In Game 7, he was the support.
Pau Gasol contributed 19 points, 18 rebounds and proved that, just as the Celtics melted, he could put his body beyond opponents and make the offensive rebound when it mattered.
Perhaps most important was Ron Artest.
He was as erratic in this series as a squirrel with Tourette's.
But in game 7, he had 20 points. And his defensive presence, his five steals and his general nuisance represented a vital contribution on a night when the coaches relied on their starters. (Neither bench scored in double figures.)
Perhaps the only charming moment of the evening was Artest's post-game interview.
Instead of the rote cliché of thanking his maker, Artest thanked the people in his hood.
He also thanked his shrink.
The lady had, apparently, helped him relax. Something the Celtics were unable to do, just when they needed to exert self-control.
This game was in desperate need of plastic surgery.
Beauty, creativity, inspiration had all been cast aside in favor of something between industry and mediocrity.
The Lakers shot 32 percent. Your kids' high school team often shoots 32 percent. You often shoot 32 percent in your driveway.
The role of the referees should not be entirely discounted either.
Were the Lakers really so much more aggressive than the Celtics that they deserved a free throw count in their favor of 37 to the Celtics' 17?
That's 20 free shots the Lakers obtained in what some might see as a very good deal offered by the referees-- the Brothers Crawford and Scott Foster-- who had a difficult job to do in this final game and matched the quality of play on the floor.
Some will wonder whether the season was too long, whether the defenses were too good, whether the players were too tired, whether the Celtics missed Kendrick Perkins.
But the Celtics had the Lakers and the title in their grasp. This was astonishing enough for a team that was a mere .500 for the last two-thirds of the season.
In the end, like a .500 team, they blew it like an old vuvuzela.
Chris Matyszczyk is an award-winning creative director who advises major corporations on content creation and marketing, and an avid sports fan. He is also the author of the popular CNET blog Technically Incorrect.