Break Your Disastrous Dating Patterns...
Women often talk about looking for love, but can be their own worst enemies in that regard.
Dr. Diana Kirschner, author of "Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love," says she has a way to help women from every walk of life.
Kirschner insists that women from every walk of life who give her 90 days and work the program she offers will find love.
She explained her approach on The Early Show Monday and brought along two women taking part in her program.
There are a lot of skeptics who would say love should find you; you shouldn't go looking for it.
But Kirschner's argument is simple: There are few necessities in life: food, work, and love. If you were unemployed, you would look. It's been proven that people who have love in their lives generally live longer and more productive lives. So why aren't you out there looking?
Some of the most important aspects of working her program include using the Internet, presenting yourself with confidence, and dating multiple men at once.
First of all, she stresses that you'd be surprised how many very successful and interesting men are on the Internet. Using an online dating service isn't just for losers anymore. She says dating several men at once not only builds your confidence, but keeps all the relationships moving slowly due to forced moderation. Kirschner even suggests using a love mentor (someone good at playing devil's advocate while consistently boosting your confidence and making you feel good) as an important step to her 90 day program.
But Kirschner says the most important aspect of working her program is to break the most common and most "deadly" dating habits. Every woman falls into terrible patterns, Kirschner observes, adding that, if any woman looks at past relationships, she would fall into one or more of these categories: "The Hermit," "The Flameout," the "I Will Make You Love Me," and the "Not Perfect, I Will Pass."
Most Common Deadly Dating Patterns:
1. The Hermit
For whatever reason, The Hermit has convinced herself she's better off alone. Perhaps she's married to her careers, or working out every moment of her free time, or she enjoys being a homebody. In any event, she generally subscribes to the philosophy that love will find her, that people who look for it, or have time to look for it, just don't fit it into her agenda. She is often fiercely independent, but often lonely.
SOLUTION: Kirschner says she knows it's tough for most hermits, but they need to get out more. Be receptive to offers, break your habits. If you don't normally accept the free drink from the man at the bar, or the offer of a setup from a friend, do it. Force yourself to change your habits by accepting all the invitations you get, enrolling in some classes, striking up conversations in places you wouldn't normally. If the hermit doesn't feel comfortable chatting up men in public places, she should start with women.
2. The Flameout
This is all too common among everyone who has ever dated. You meet a man, the dating is romantic, wonderful and intense. You feel as if he could be the one, you have been swept off your feet. And then the bottom drops out. The excitement either drains out quickly, the man gets frightened off by the fact that you two are "going too fast," or you find after all the sparks that you are left with nothing in common. These relationships leave women with extremely low self-confidence, since they can't understand why they can't keep the magic of their own hot relationships going strong.
SOLUTION: When you feel yourself getting overly enthusiastic about your new relationship, force yourself to slow down. If it helps, date multiple partners to limit your time together. Have only a few dates instead of spending day and night together for a week. And although it may sound conservative, abstain. Sex often creates a real chemical feeling of false closeness. It can create a feeling of intimacy where there really isn't any. Avoid sex and take it slow.
3. The "I'll Make You Love Me"
So many women will take crumbs in a lot of relationships rather than knowing in their heart they deserve the whole cake. They meet someone who perhaps feels lukewarm about them, and feel that the only way to confirm their self-worth is to make them fall head-over-heels. Kirschner asserts there's no reason to stay in a relationship where someone just isn't that enthusiastic. It will only make your self-confidence fall further, and convince you that you're are unworthy of love.
SOLUTION: Although he might be a hottie, pass on a man who isn't excited about you. Take time to really analyze what you are getting out of the relationship' does this guy seem like he's into it? Or are you going to be settling for crumbs again?
4. The "Not Perfect, I Will Pass"
This type is all too common among modern, sophisticated women. They're looking for their perfect match, having bought into the myth that you can tell very quickly whether or not someone is perfect for you. There are men out there who are perfect for you who would be right up your alley. Perhaps you don't normally date people outside your profession, or you only like jocks, or feel as if you have a sixth-sense about a guy within a half-hour. That will often cause you to miss out on some real and fabulous dating opportunities. The right man might be out there, but instead of being sporty, he's a car nut. As a matter of fact, Kirschner points out that, when doing this, women are often projecting their insecurities onto their potential partner.
SOLUTION: Again, Kirschner admits it might be tough to break the cycle -- that's why they call them patterns, but try dating out-of-type. If you only date jocks, try the sensitive type. Always dating a guy with great hair? Try dating a bald man. If you try the experiment, chances are you'll be pleasantly surprised, and it will help keep your mind open to every man. The Internet is a great place to try out something different. Take advantage of everything out there; it's only with casting a wide net that we catch the right fish.
To read an excerpt of "Love in 90 Days," click here.