Appreciation: Power For 2005

If you're hoping to get this new year off to a good start when it comes to your home life, your job and relationships, Dr. Noelle Nelson can help, and co-anchor Gretchen Carlson finds out how on The Saturday Early Show on New Year's Day.
Dr. Noelle (as she is known to her patients) is a clinical psychologist, life coach and author of the book, "The Power of Appreciation," and so it follows that she believes the key to a fresh start is learning to appreciate the things in your life.

Making a conscious effort to use appreciation is a great way to start the New Year; specifically, within yourself, in relationships and at work.

Here are a few ideas for how to actively appreciate yourself:

1. Go to sleep worry-free: If you want to insure a truly restful sleep, then use sleep for what is meant for: sleeping, not worrying! Before you go to bed, empty your mind by jotting down the things you need to take care of or might worry about. Worry thoughts are highly repetitive -- so once you're in bed, if a worry thought crosses your mind, tell yourself "already wrote that down" and mentally, crumple up the worry thought into a ball and toss it into an imaginary trash bin across the room. You'd be amazed how quickly you can train worry to stay away from your sleep time.
2. Start a "just for me" savings account: Take a small amount out of your paycheck every week and park it in a savings account. Don't pay any attention to the account until three months have gone by, then take a look at what's in there, and make "just for me" plans for that money. Resist the urge to spend it until you've really chosen something meaningful to you, personally. And remember, one of your options is to let the money grow for another 3 or 6 months, so you can treat yourself to something even more special! Setting aside money "just for me" is a great way to avoid the rut of, "I'm only working to pay the bills." Life is meant to be enjoyed, so enjoy it!
3. Volunteer on a regular basis: Once a week, once a month -- help at your community shelter, church/temple, hospital, wherever. Volunteering has been shown, repeatedly, to be an enduring source of increased self-satisfaction and feelings of fulfillment. Plus, you'll meet all sorts of interesting people you'd probably never cross paths with otherwise. Just be sure the volunteering you choose to do is something you enjoy!
4. Start your morning being good to yourself: Instead of waking up to a buzzer or a raucous radio station, wake up to a gentle piece of uplifting music you love. Lie there for 10 minutes, allowing the music to flow through your body and think about all the things you are looking forward to in the day ahead. For right now, don't think about all the problems, worries, hassles. Just focus on something pleasing. Those 10 minutes will help you start your day refreshed, relaxed and energized.
5. Be prepared for traffic jams: You know they're going to happen, so instead of getting upset about it, have a book on tape to listen to, or take advantage of that time to call a friend. Make the traffic time work for you, not against you.
6. Set yourself up for success at the gym: Don't kill yourself doing 20 minutes on the lifecycle when you haven't worked out the last three months. Go for five minutes, and praise yourself when you accomplish that; the next time, go for 6 minutes, the next time for 7. And maybe you have to stay at 10 minutes for a week, then go to 11 minutes. You'd be amazed how quickly you can get up to a full workout when you value yourself enough to love yourself into your workout instead of beat yourself up into it.
7. Strengthen your self-esteem by writing down some of your primary qualities: For instance, "responsible," "good-natured," "like to help out." Post the list on your bathroom mirror, and every day, give some thought to how those qualities play out in your day. After a week or so, jot down some new qualities, and reflect on those. Recognizing your own value is a great way to feel more confident and be more effective in every aspect of your life!

1. Every day, find some new thing to say or do that lets your partner know you love and cherish him/her:
   
   • Put a note on the bathroom mirror that says "Hi, handsome/gorgeous"
     
   • Slip an "I Love You" note into his/her datebook
     
   • Greet him/her at the door coming back from work with a big smile on your face, help him/her with packages, etc., and say "I'm so glad to see you."
   
   
2. Don't begrudge your partner their "boys" or "girls" night out: Instead of pouting or complaining about time spent with friends, be glad your partner has friends! It's a sign of good psychological health. And let him/her know you are pleased at his wanting to maintain his friend relationships. When you value what your partner values, you grow the closeness between you.
3. Say "you're right" next time you're in a conflict with your honey, before you jump all over his/her case to defend your own: Listen for something you can genuinely value in what he says, like "I've had enough of this!" to which you respond (in a calm voice), "You're right. This is a frustrating situation." Your partner will be more willing to problem solve with you when you start acknowledging the value in his/her distress.
4. Have a date night: It doesn't have to be fancy, it just has to be romantic. Park the kids with your mother or the sitter, and see how many different ways you can come up with to be romantic one night a week, every week! Find freebie ideas on "things to do about town" in your local newspaper; put candles all over the living room and have a picnic in the middle of your own living room floor. The list goes on forever. Always wear "date" clothes and be "date-ready" for these nights. Take turns so that one week you come up with the "date" and the next week your partner does. Make it as fun as you can and you'll be delighted with how the romance flourishes in your relationship
5. Turn off the TV: Spend at least part of every evening with your partner in face-to-face conversation. Look in each other's eyes as you speak, hold hands, really listen to what the other has to say. Or, if you prefer, have dinner together, just the two of you, on a regular basis, without the kids, and again -- with the TV off. Watching TV together is lots of fun -- but turning it off is important, too.
6. Don't join the marriage/relationship/men/women bashers: Refuse to gossip or talk mean about men/women/relationships. Instead, share tales of everything you like about your partner, or if you're not in a relationship, stories of successful relationships, tales of all the good ones still around and the best ways to find them. Remember, anything you focus on grows! So if you focus on all the love that's available and all the love you have - you'll get a lot more.
7. Surprise your partner with a gift when it's not a special occasion: Unexpected presents will put an unexpected smile on his/her face. It tells your love that you are thinking of him/her in a special way, even when it's not a special occasion.

1. Turn your password into an uplifter: You know that password you type in 50 times a day at work? Instead of typing in something cute or meaningless, type in an uplifting message to yourself, like "great day" or "happy work" or anything that puts a spring in your work step.
2. Learn to say "How can I help?" instead of "Whaddya want?" People are much more inclined to be nice to you and appreciative of you if you answer their concerns with compassion instead of defensiveness. "How can I help?" sets you up on the right foot.
3. Every day, on your way to work, think of one thing you like about your job: Even if right now you can't think of anything, tell yourself, "You know what, today I'm going to find one thing I like about my job." Over time, you'll be surprised at how much happier you'll be going in to work.
4. You can never say "thank you" too much: It doesn't matter whether it's something that's done automatically, like the mail person dropping the mail on your desk, or your supervisor criticizing something you did -- saying "thank you" will make things run smoother and easier. Be sure your "thank you" is genuine, though. A sarcastic "thank you" will never work. So if you're thanking after receiving criticism, you're thanking the person for taking the time and being caring enough to help you make your work better. That's worth thanking for.
5. Go to Tahiti: When you feel the stress mounting at work, take a moment to breathe deeply, close your eyes, and imagine yourself on a beautiful beach in Tahiti -- or wherever else spells "no stress" to you. Stay there for a moment or two, appreciate the calm, and you'll be in much better shape to continue your day.
6. Make your co-workers, supervisors and others at work feel special and valued: Do this by using their names and looking them in the eye when you greet them, instead of muttering your usual "hi" under your breath, hardly knowing who you said it to. When you make people feel special, they tend to treat you as more special too.
7. Take the last 15 minutes of your workday to organize your workspace for tomorrow: First, review what you've accomplished and let yourself feel good about that. Then jot down what you need to get to tomorrow. Clean up your work area as best you can, then let it go! It's much easier to start the next day on a positive note when you've wrapped up the previous day instead of endlessly dragging one day into the next.

What kind of appreciation can transform your life? It's appreciation that consists of two vital components: gratitude plus valuing. It is this combination of gratitude and valuing that gives appreciation its power as a transformative energy.

Gratitude:
Gratitude is a receptive energy. It engages your heart. You feel or express gratitude after something pleasing has happened. A friend helps you out of trouble; you are grateful. You notice the good things in your life; you are grateful. Most people are thinking of gratitude when they use the word appreciation. Spiritual leaders, authors, and others from the Dalai Lama to Louise Hay to Oprah Winfrey, have extolled the benefits of practicing gratitude through journals, meditation, and an "attitude of gratitude."

Valuing:
The valuing aspect of appreciation is a dynamic energy. It engages your mind. When you value something or someone, you actively use your mind to think of it, why it matters to you, what it is worth to you. Just as in the world of finance, when something appreciates, it grows in value. The same is true in our lives. A house is just a space until it is filled with the people and things you cherish, and then it is a place called home.

Because you choose what you think, you can deliberately select thoughts that value someone or something, rather than thoughts that devalue that person or thing. Consciously choosing to value the people and things in your life is what makes it possible for you to use appreciation proactively. You don't have to wait for something pleasing to happen in order to start valuing. You can choose to value someone or something before they have contributed anything at all to your life.

The act of proactively valuing transforms gratitude from an after-the-fact expression of feeling to a before-the-fact deliberate engaging of energy. This is the energy of appreciation!

Appreciation as Energy
When you step outside the idea of appreciation as gratitude expressed after-the-fact, and start to think of appreciation as an energy you use proactively with intention, it's a whole new ball game. In this regard, appreciation can be likened to electricity. Electricity can be thought of as something that "turns on" the light in a light bulb. You flick the switch when you want light, as a response to the dark. Or electricity can be thought of as an energy that can be used as a source of power for any number of uses. So it is with appreciation. You can think of appreciation as a response to something you are grateful for, or you can think of appreciation as an energy, a source of power that can be harnessed, as electricity is, for any number of uses, such as:

• Use the power of appreciation to change your body's response to stress, to encourage good health, an enhanced immune system, better energy, and faster healing.
• Use appreciation's power to increase your satisfaction and joy at home and at work, to improve your relationships and increase the love in your life, to reduce conflict and support cooperation.
• Use appreciation to develop better self-esteem and self-confidence, and to better cope with change or crisis.
• Focus the energy of appreciation to attract abundance and success.
• Use the power of appreciation to attract new relationships, romantic and otherwise, into your life.

Excerpt from "The Power of Appreciation: The Key to a Vibrant Life," Chapter One

Copyright © 2003 by Noelle C. Nelson and Jeannine Lemare Calaba