Eric Thomas: How To Get Your Groove Back
It's been a tough week for manliness here at 97.1 The Ticket. First Riger poses for engagement pictures so cutesy they make Precious Moments look like a chainsaw massacre movie, and then Gavin wrote about his friend who is going the full Batman for Halloween. Instead of revisiting those two (you can find links to those on this website in the "most viewed / laughed at menu"), I am going to be part of the healing process.
Perhaps you have been in this situation. Maybe you are currently the laughing stock of your peers. There is no need to spend the rest of the year in a prison of your own choices! It's time to reclaim your manhood. Here are four ways to build up your manliness that I found on the Google.
Tiger Muay Thai Cage Fighting Camp - This fun retreat will take you to Thailand, so you are far away from those who hurt you and those pesky personal liability lawsuits. This popular vacation that crazy people apparently pay for offers plenty of MMA style kickboxing instruction. By plenty I mean almost 12 hours a day for a week. But it's not just a "kick-boxer-cise" class that you see at your gym. They actually offer sparring. Sounds like fun right? Nothing like being exhausted by a skill that you just learned a couple of days ago, and then using it while you try not to get killed.
Alaska's Extreme Hunting - Yeah, go sit in your deer stand you wimp! You could reclaim your manhood by hunting something that actually has a fighting chance. With this service you travel into the wilds of Alaska, and you hunt brown grizzly bears. For a mere $10,000 you can sleep on the freezing ground, laugh at Christopher McCandless' bones, lug around your food for the week, and pray to God you don't miss when a 700 pound scary monster is running at you.
Firehose Fights - Every 4th of July in Ouray, Colorado men gather to show their worth. Two teams stand apart, maybe some wearing "Braveheart" style face paint. They have gathered their pride, their constitution and dignity. They put all of their courage on the line, and they spray the crap out of each other with fire hoses. How awesome does that sound? The only reason why this wouldn't make you reclaim you manhood is that it is slightly reminiscent of the gas station scene in Zoolander, so we are moving on.
Drive a Tank - In Kasota, Minnesota there is a company that actually allows regular citizens the opportunity to drive not just one, but three tanks. You start out in a FV-433 Abbot tank, which is an apparently the "Hello Kitty" of tanks. Maybe they let you read Highlights while you ride in it. The coup de grace is when they let you drive the 60 ton Chieftain Battle Tank. I know absolutely nothing about tanks, but that is the coolest name for anything ever. Carson Kressley would seem like Charles Bronson while driving the Chieftain Battle Tank. Just to improve on the coolest thing ever, at the end of the session they actually let you drive over a car in the Chieftain Battle Tank. I don't think I would care if I was rolling over my own car in the Chieftain Battle Tank that is so freaking awesome.
