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Poem The News: The Drunk Golfer

By Mason Johnson

To stave of that I-want-to-drive-off-a-cliff boredom that ensnares us all before the weekend, I decided to ask readers to submit poems based off some of our news stories. They are entertaining. They are funny. Enjoy them. Read more "Poem the News" poems here. Find out how to submit your own poems below!

U.S. President Bush Meets With Brazilian President Lula At Camp David
Listen, I'm not trying to imply President Bush or President Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva of Brazil have driven a golf cart while intoxicated — they haven't. There just weren't a lot of golf cart photos for me to choose from. (Credit: Ron Sachs-Pool/Getty Images)

The Drunk Golfer

Today's "Poem the News" poems are based off "Police: Drunk Man Tries To Drive Golf Cart From Angels Camp To Citrus Heights". If you're anything like me, your first thought after reading this was, "Grandpa?"

You're probably not anything like me.

Anyway, here are this week's poems. My comments for each are italicized below. Enjoy.

Let There Be Poems!

Neal Kitterlin

there are no golf carts
in the champagne room
and not much of anything
else either, there are ugly gray
walls and some guy keeps
eying you through the bars

in Angels Camp there are no
angels or champagne but
there are policemen and
bubbly dreams deferred and so
many questions like isn't
Angels Camp just another
name for heaven?

A+ High five! I like how we're both confused that Angels Camp is a real place, Neal. We'll have to road trip there together. I hope you like golf.

Jeannette Gomes

Can we take this thing out to the ocean
jump on let's ride forever
gesticulate forever
I got 5 bottles of Moet this thing goes 30mph
This night is ours
Crawl down into this dark night

A- Almost perfect (but not). This is great Jeanette! I had to take points off because you implied golf carts go 30 mph. They usually go 12 - 14 mph. Clearly, you've never driven a golf cart and didn't bother doing your research. Also, what's with people using "gesticulate" in their poems? Regardless, I love it.

Thomas Simmons

Relax, officer
This thing has great mileage
But yes, I am drunk

A+ Super great! You're the first samurai I've ever met named "Tom."

Ode to the Wealthy and Wasted by Beach Sloth

Man steals golf cart drives it to the happy place wearing a happy face
Gesticulates to cops because why not, he's going 13 miles an hour
Cops can't catch him, cops can't jog that fast
Drunk off the love of life and drunk off of actual champagne
America loves its upper-class out-of-control lassos
That's why he will only get four years in federal prison

A- You did good, kid! Originally, it didn't say "lassos" above. It said something else. You can't really swear on CBS. Sorry, Beach Sloth (if that is your real name).


That was a great batch! For next week, let's stick with stupidity and alcohol and write poems about "Ore. Teen Charged After 'Drivin Drunk' Facebook Post On New Year's Eve."

Email poems based on that news article to I'll pick 3 out of the batch to post. Email them no later than Friday, January 11th 9am CST. Realize that the only payment is the fame that comes with being published by the prestigious poetry organization that is CBS.

Mason Johnson, CBS Chicago

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