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Horrible Horoscopes: Libra

By Mason Johnson

Warning: If you love astrology, are offended easily, or/and have no sense of humor, this might make you gassy (and angry).

Lincoln Memorial Gets A Wash Down
Very few people know that the Lincoln statue in the Lincoln Monument is actually life size. (Credit: Mark Wilson/Getty Images)


Pop quiz, Libra: What's the best way to resolve confrontation? Rock, paper, scissors? A game of chess? A calm discussion? Debate? Election?

Wrong, wrong, wrong…

According to the alignment of the Moon—and the Moon is never wrong—the best way to resolve something is through a fist fight.

Now, the Moon isn't sayin' you should have an all out brawl in the supermarket when someone cuts you in line. That's a bit much. But if you happen to be running for, say, president of the United States of America (as opposed to all the other United States out there…), your best bet for choosing the most qualified candidate might just be an old school beatdown.

I know what you're saying, you would prefer to hear Romney and Obama speak about their policies! You don't want to risk getting stuck with the wrong president because he was no good at fighting.

But! As the Moon will point out, history is on our side. Everyone knows the only reason Abraham Lincoln (you may have heard of him, he's one of the best presidents who ever threw a right hook) became president was because he beat Stephen A. Douglas's sorry butt in the boxing ring.

So. You know. This election, choose wisely. I guess?

Horrible Horoscopes is updated Monday through Saturday at 12 and 2 pm. Find the latest Horrible Horoscopes here!

Mason Johnson knows absolutely nothing about astrology and is going to vote for himself this election.

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