Ranking The Funniest Options For Patriots At Quarterback
By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston
BOSTON (CBS) -- These are sensitive days in the lives of New England Patriots fans. Tom Brady is gone.
Understandably, emotions in some circles are riding high. Add in the stress and uncertainties of the global health crisis, and, well, not many people around here are in a joking mood.
And that's fine. No judgment here. But as a warning, if you're not in the mood for comedy, this experiment might not be for you.
What we're going to do here, in the world of quarterback uncertainty in New England, is not to try to look at the situation from a football perspective. We're not going to try to suggest what Bill Belichick should do. We're not going to grind the film and break down the specifics of every available quarterback.
Nope. We're not doing anything like that.
We're going searching for yuks.
No, football isn't often a laughing matter around these parts, but you know what? Tom Brady doesn't usually bounce in March. For ... TAMPA BAY!
Really, there's no better time to seek out a chuckle or two. So with that in mind, here are the absolute funniest possible choices to succeed Tom Brady in New England.
4. Andy Dalton
I, personally, do not see anything funny about this idea. I find it repulsive. Repugnant. Lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous.
Andy Dalton.
Replacing Tom Brady.
That's not funny.
But some people would find humor in seeing the Red Rifle try to fill Tom Brady's shoes. So here he is on this list.
But let the record show: There is nothing funny about it.
3. Joe Flacco
I can't quite put my finger on why this one would be so funny. But it would.
Maybe it's because Flacco just put forth one of the least inspired performances in NFL quarterbacking history. After John Elway hyped him up for just entering his prime, Flacco went out and led the Broncos to a 2-6 record, throwing ... six touchdowns. And five interceptions. In eight games.
Flacco's whole career has been pretty funny, really. He had literally one of the single best postseason runs ever in 2012, throwing 11 touchdowns and ZERO interceptions en route to the Super Bowl XLVII victory.
He followed that up with a killer 19-touchdown, 22-pick season in 2013. Whoopsies.
Since 2015, he's thrown 70 touchdowns and 51 interceptions. He's 26-33 as a starter.
He just kind of ... stinks.
So maybe it would be funny in the sense that, with Patriots fans certain to have little patience for underwhelming quarterback play in 2020, literally nobody on earth could underwhelm with the ferocity and malaise of Joseph Vincent Flacco.
2. Colin Kaepernick
For his protests against police brutality during the national anthem, Colin Kaepernick became the most controversial athlete the sports world had seen for a very long time.
For mercilessly obliterating opponents for two full decades, Bill Belichick became the most controversial head coach the NFL has seen for a very long time.
What better way to combine those powers than to team up to play some football in Foxboro?
To be clear, Kaepernick's career has to be considered over. His "workout" last year turned into a major fiasco, and teams have proven that they're going to keep away from him -- collusion or no collusion.
But in an imaginary world, just imagine the mayhem. After the signing, we know exactly how Bill would walk to the podium:
Popcorn city. Population: you.
1. Jameis Winston
If you can't laugh at the idea of Jameis Winston coming off a 30-interception season and joining the team that's turned the ball over less than any other team in the 21st century, then what can you laugh at?
It's even funnier if you envision Belichick somehow working some magic to turn Winston into a consistent, reliable NFL quarterback.
People would get so mad.
And if Belichick didn't find a way to stop the Jameis interceptions from flowing? Well, then the Flacco Corollary would apply. And we've already established that Flacco Corollary is funny.
In Conclusion
So, OK, if you're serious about the Patriots winning football games and contending for Super Bowls, none of that was funny. Not even a little.
But, in the event that things really do go poorly for the Patriots in a post-Brady era, they might as well go poorly in a humorous fashion. At least it'll be easier to watch that way.
You can email Michael Hurley or find him on Twitter @michaelFhurley.
