By Michael Hurley, CBS Boston
BOSTON (CBS) -- Chris Simms is just the gift that keeps on giving ... or something like that.
The former quarterback-turned-analyst is never afraid to speak his mind, even if his mind is filled with all sorts of nonsense. He's done it plenty on 98.5 The Sports Hub airwaves, like when he said Tom Brady wasn't a top-five NFL QB in 2014, or when he said that Brady "tarnished" Bill Belichick's good name, or that the reinstatement of two team employees proved Brady to be guilty in DeflateGate. He also said last December that the Jets were one of the five best teams in the NFL. (The Jets were not one of the 12 teams to make the playoffs.)
And while filling in for Craig Carton on Wednesday alongside Boomer Esiason on WFAN in New York, Simms was once again tackling the topic he loves the most but knows the least: DeflateGate.
Here's a transcription of what Simms had to say (audio is here, about 34 minutes in), along with some interjections, from the riveting DeflateGate talk that probably electrified New York City on Wednesday morning.
Simms, on whether Roger Goodell should have the power to suspend Tom Brady:
"100 percent. Listen, the guidelines, the way they are, whether you agree with them, and Roger Goodell being the judge, the jury, and the executioner -- listen, the rules were put in place. If Tom Brady and Mr. Kraft had a problem with this, they should've changed that back when the CBA was under negotiation a few years ago.
"Of course he deserves to be suspended for this. He took the integrity of the game into his own hand. It's like, you know, there's a lot of examples you could come up with regardless. But it does give you a competitive advantage. It'd be like Golden State's down there playing on a 9-foot-10-inch rim, and the other team's playing on a 10-foot rim. There is definitely advantages there."
Oh, deary. We're dropping rims now, Chris? Leaving aside the likelihood that a lower rim would probably wreck all of Steph Curry's and Klay Thompson's 3-point attempts, we all need to get excited, because Dr. Simms is about to grace us with his extensive knowledge of physics.
Take it away, Chris.
"If we didn't, if there weren't advantages and it wasn't a big deal, then why didn't you just pump the footballs up to 13.5 and be, 'Oh, I'm not worried about it'? He had every ball, they said before the game started was at 12.5. Now I know everyone wants to claim the weather and that whole theory and all that crap, right? That's a bunch of crap."
Well then, it's been settled. The great debate of "Is Basic Science Crap?" has finally been solved. The answer is yes -- unequivocally, yes. Science is crap. Laws? You want to talk about laws of science? Pfft, try "theories," punk; Dr. Chris has spoken.
What else do you have for us, sage Christopher?
"I don't think it's minor, to me. I think this is a guy that took the football and basically gave himself a competitive advantage, where the other quarterback on the other team did not have those advantages. And if the size of a football didn't matter, then why do we have a high school football, why do we have a college football? Of course the size of the object in your hand matters, because you can manipulate it better with your hand."
Whoa. I didn't know that footballs with slightly lower inflation levels were suddenly smaller. I knew that Tom Brady was capable of some incredible feats, but physically changing the size of the football? That's amazing. For that, he should be locked in jail. That's called sorcery, and it's against the rules. Chris is starting to make a lot of sense now.
Teach me more.
"Even with the whole Murphy's Gas Law, the balls were all over the place in their inflation. It wasn't like the cold weather said, 'Aw, I'm going to take a pound of pressure out of this ball, and .5 out of this ball.'"
Wait a second.
Hold the phone.
Stop right there.
Did this dude just conflate the cultural adage of "Murphy's Law" with the scientific equation known as the "Ideal Gas Law"? Did that just happen?
We are clearly dealing with a man who's operating on a separate intellectual plane than the rest of us. Bravo.
And did he just anthropomorphize cold weather? The weather is talking now and making decisions? Amazing.
I think -- think -- what Simms was trying to get at there was to say that some footballs tested at different PSI levels at halftime, and by his own understanding, that fact means they were definitely deflated secretly before the game? That one make sense to you? Didn't think so. Must be a Murphy's Gas Law thing.
"That's what people don't realize. I love -- I really root for New England. I love Bill Belichick, I love Josh McDaniels. I was with Denver with Josh McDaniels. I have a ton of respect for Tom Brady. He's still one of the greats of all time. There's no doubt about this. He made a mistake. Would New England still have won the Super Bowls and been every bit as successful? I don't think there's any denying that. The balls were properly inflated when they beat the Seahawks in the Super Bowl, and he was phenomenal. He didn't need to do this is the big thing but I do think he should be suspended. One of the big reasons -- I know people think it's a witch hunt, but no.
"I understand there's support. Good for them. But also understand, the Boston area is the smartest area in our country. They somehow do not want to look at the facts of this situation."
The guy who just declared basic science to be "a bunch of crap" and thinks that a minuscule drop in air pressure in a football makes the football physically smaller just accused an entire region of people of being unwilling to look at the facts of this situation.
I really do love Chris Simms.
"This is a Tom and a ball boy situation. The destruction of the cell phone. The seventy-something texts the day that he's going to be interrogated. The J.J., the ball guy. All those things, yes, of course, lead me to believe that Tom was a part of trying to take a little air out of the football so he felt comfortable with it in his hands."
Yes. Those are things.
That's just Simms proving to be the perfect mark for Roger Goodell.
And speaking of the commissioner, he's a man who's built up enough good will through the years to earn Simms' full trust.
"Nor does [Goodell] have to reveal all the information or evidence that he has on Tom Brady. He doesn't, so they could have more info that we don't even know. And I think that's what people miss out on."
More from Chris:
"The NFL without a doubt first is going to protect the NFL. And if there even was more evidence out there on Tom Brady, which I have heard there is and that's just skepticism and whatever else but I have heard there's teams that have had intercepted balls from a year ago, two years ago, and they go, 'We thought the ball was underinflated as well.' So there is that talk out there. But I think the NFL is also protecting the NFL and Tom Brady by not letting all the info out there."
Simms continued, thankfully:
"I think Tom Brady and Mr. Kraft and New England kind of brought it on themselves as well by the way they fought this."
"Right. Well he didn't like when his Tommy -- 'Tommy,' that's what they call him up there -- he got suspended. And that's the prized jewel of the New England organization and that's certainly Mr. Kraft's guy. I mean, Mr. Kraft, I have a tremendous amount of respect for, I love him. I think he's wrong in this instance, but I respect the fact that he sticks up for Tom Brady to no end.
"It goes into it, you and I both know Mr. Kraft was very involved in making the rules the way they are."
I think Simms might have, over time, conflated the CBA with the rulebook. They are different. But let's not get bogged down on the details. Let's focus on the real issue: Just why do they call him "Tommy" up in New England? What are they trying to hide?
Simms also compared Brady's situation with his own playing days, an apt comparison given the similar list of accomplishments on the football field.
"I got it where we couldn't use them multiple games in a row. I got new balls on a Monday and had to break them in by Sunday."
Simms started more than three games in a season just once. He started 16 total games in his career. Something (his 58 percent career completion percentage or 12-to-18 TD-to-INT ratio, his seven total wins) tells me that actual football preparation was low on his list of concerns each week.
Simms then went on to wag his finger at Brady and Peyton Manning for being too concerned about their corporate image during the lockout, thus resulting in a raw deal for the players. When Boomer asked Simms if he would have risked his own salary if it was up near $20 million just to help the labor fight.
"I really would have," Simms answered definitively.
So there you have it. Chris Simms: Debunker of basic science, believer of Roger Goodell, and a labor hero, the likes of which haven't been seen since Norma Rae was climbing atop manufacturing equipment in rural North Carolina.
Where would we all be without Chris Simms? Just like with Roger Goodell's investigative practices, it's something we just shouldn't question.
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