Awards season in entertainment begins in earnest with the People's Choice and Golden Globe awards scheduled this month and the Oscars and Grammys in February. So, with help from the AP's music writer Nekesa Mumbi Moody, we have a few awards of our own to give out.
Train Wreck of the Year
We felt sorry for Anna Nicole Smith when she lost her only son right after giving birth to a daughter. But then she had a fake wedding ceremony, sporting a wedding dress while her son lay in a morgue, then sold the last photos of him for a million bucks. Finally, she sold video of her C-section, all while fighting a demand for a paternity test. Come on, that's hard to top.
The Reason Stars Have Handlers
Whenever Britney Spears gets an independent thought in her head, it seems to end up a disaster -- not unlike her two marriages. From driving with her baby in her lap to her rambling, gum-smacking, mascara-smudged Matt Lauer interview to her panty-free escapades with Paris Hilton, it's hard to believe it was once OK for little girls to look up to this one-woman calamity.
Word of the Year
Firecrotch! Coining this one-word catch phrase in a drunken monologue against Lindsay Lohan is perhaps the only positive contribution to society that sleazy rich kid Brandon Davis has ever made. And it was so needed -- who knew that we see so many photos of commando starlets in just one year? Firecrotch, take your place next to bootylicious as a necessary word of our time.
Best Argument Against Child Stars
Yes, Lindsay Lohan is a double winner! Few better illustrate the "curse of the child star" than this former Disney sweetheart, who has become better known for her drunken partying and grammatically incorrect e-mail. Late last year, she acknowledged that she'd been going to Alcoholics Anonymous for a year -- but "I haven't had a drink in seven days." And she's not even legal yet.
Breakup of the Year
Britney and K-Fed? Pam and the Kid? Of course not. The REAL shocker was watching the rock-solid marriage of Whitney Houston and Bobby Brown crumble after one child and more than a decade of drug use, embarrassing behavior, and career sabotage. We thought they'd be together 'til death did them part -- most likely from some OD.
Wedding of the Year
Nicole Kidman's romantic union with Keith Urban in Sydney? Tom and Katie's Italian castle extravaganza? Neither could hold a candle to the marriage of Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock. Why, they had four ceremonies - one for each month the marriage lasted!
Why You Have The Right To Remain Silent
Mel Gibson blamed an alcoholic haze for his tirade against Jews and women after a police stop for drunken driving. Had he been sober, he would have lashed out against blacks and Hispanics.
Why There Were No Black People on 'Seinfeld'
Michael Richards spews a hate-filled, racist rant against black hecklers in a comedy club. An apology and a pow-wow with Jesse Jackson followed. But the only way he can really make things right is to digitally insert Gary Coleman, Bill Cosby and "Urkel" into old Seinfeld episodes to make the show more diverse.
One is The Loneliest Number
Jessica Simpson, who rose to fame with hubby Nick Lachey when MTV followed their "Newlyweds" bliss, was one of Hollywood's most desired, glamorous stars -- until she took off her wedding ring last year. Since then, she has endured an album that flopped, a movie that bombed, and a stage performance that embarrassed. Now, she is being upstaged in the sexy department by her own cosmetically enhanced sibling, Ashlee.
The Teflon Blonde
Paris Hilton. No matter what public relations disaster she's attached to, she always emerges unscathed. She was giggling next to Davis when he uttered his "firecrotch" remark, but only he was condemned. She was exchanging hosiery with Britney in the wee morning hours, but we noticed only Britney's shame. And she gets arrested for allegedly driving drunk, and still manages the cover of wholesome "Seventeen."
Most In Need of A 'Tyra 'Makeover
Janet Jackson. You'd think she would have learned from the Super Bowl thing that bare breasts are not her best asset. But after dropping a bunch of weight, Jackson appeared in various forms of undress to promote her new album, "20 Y.O." -- and she still had another flop on her hands. Maybe when she covers up she'll go multiplatinum again.
Best -Kept Secret
Forget extra-marital affairs and surpise weddings. Think instead of baby pictures. Yes, no one kept a secret like Tom Cruise, Katie Holmes and their friends who had the world guessing about what baby Suri looked like. Reports of Suri sightings soon gave way to speculation about the baby's existence. Then, Vanity Fair ended the six-month mystery with an exclusive photo spread.
This Year's Chloe Bag
The Third World baby. Angelina Jolie adopted Zahara from Ethiopia, then Madonna snatched up a baby boy in Malawi. But Madonna seemed to forget that Zahara was an orphan; her new son David had a father who couldn't take care of him. This doesn't make Madonna wrong, it just makes her less sympathetic. And her condescending, cavalier attitude about the child's circumstances didn't make Lady Madonna seem any more motherly.
Best Video of the Year
Kanye West's "Touch the Sky." There, Kanye, you finally got some recognition for that overblown, egocentric vanity clip. Now will you stop storming stages because MTV didn't give it an award? Side note: If you want to make something award worthy, including Pamela Anderson is probably not the wisest idea.