Will Oprah's New Network Be the Next TLC? Unfortunately, It Just Might Be

The critics have weighed in, and the verdict on the brand new Oprah Winfrey Network, or OWN, is that it's -- if I could sum it up in one phrase -- well-meaning. Uh-oh. That, if the fractured history of cable networks is any guide, will be just the problem. Why? Because, well-meaning never lasts in cable. As Alessandra Stanley described OWN in The New York Times:

Oprah Winfrey said that she wanted to create a cable network without a trace of "mean-spirited" programming, and she has wrung every drop of it from the Oprah Winfrey Network.

The unveiling of her 24-hour cable network ... was most striking for what it lacked: nowhere in that opening gush of feel-good highlight reels, self-improvement plans, spiritual quests, aha! moments, celebrity master classes, and people finding their truths and living their own best lives was there a snicker of malice or a hint of raillery. At times, it seemed almost like a comical conceit ...

OWN is a place where cynicism takes a holiday and mockery hasn't yet been invented.

Does anyone remember that TLC actually used to stand for The Learning Channel, instead of being the repository for shows like Toddlers & Tiaras and My Strange Addiction? (Check out this clip featuring a woman who can't stop eating household cleanser.) Or when A&E actually did feature arts and entertainment, instead of Billy the Exterminator? And what about Bravo, which, per Wikipedia, started out " ... covering performing arts, drama, and indie film" but now is the home of the infamous Real Housewives ... series?

And let's not forget NBC-owned Oxygen, which was initially backed by Oprah. It's currently promoting the new season of Bad Girls Club on its home page, and urging viewers to use the hashtag #uptonogood.

The point is that, even for Oprah, it's hard to create an entire cable network around a mission, which, in her case, is the bromide, "Live Your Best Life." One way people live their own best life, unfortunately, is by watching vapid cable TV shows that make them feel superior to those they are watching. That's what creates ratings -- not high-mindedness. While Oprah did manage to pull the well-meaning act off with her own show -- making a commitment to stop being tabloid during what might be called the Morton Downey Jr. era -- that was one hour per day. This is an entire cable network, albeit it one that, like all the others, will have plenty of reruns.

In fact, there's evidence of how hard this nice act will be for OWN already. One of the new shows is Enough Already! featuring Oprah organizational acolyte Peter Walsh. It's A&E's Hoarders with even more edge! Instead of delicately asking a hoarder, for instance, whether she was planning to eat the plate of mold-encrusted macaroni and cheese on the kitchen counter (that's what they do over at A&E), Walsh admonished one clutterista: "Time for the riot act. You avoid the issue, which is what you've been doing for twenty years!" (Then she pleaded with him to shut off the cameras.) Of course, it all ends well, with that same woman later thanking Walsh not only for getting rid of the dust bunnies but for bringing the family together. Awww!

But if you want a look at what OWN might look like a few years from now, take a read of this "Cynic's Guide to the Oprah Winfrey Network" which takes a satirical swipe at the current programming lineup. It describes the show Oprah's All-Stars like this:

Dr. Oz, Suze Orman and Dr. Phil all shout advice at the camera at the same time; whoever's loudest wins their own talk show. Losers are fed to a tank of great white sharks and torn limb-from-limb before a transfixed studio audience.