When Bosses "Forget" Their Mistakes

Dear Stanley,

Aaaah -- where do I begin? What can I do with an administrator (not my direct boss, but someone who can easily make my life difficult and cost my company our contract) who "forgets" she said something and insists she said something else when called on the carpet about it?

I was told I was removed from the invite list to a regular meeting in order to "separate two departments." When asked about this by her superiors, this administrator stated that that is not what she said; instead she claims she did this to save me time. (I now have a separate meeting after her initial meeting, with all the same people -- I'm just not included in the first.) Also, after allowing someone in the meeting to direct a nasty comment toward me, she says she apologized to me about it and told me she had taken care of this. Neither one happened.

Other than the crazy administrator, I love where I work and would like to stay there. Today her boss came to me and told me -- in front of her -- how valued I am and that he wants her to "get a handle on this." Of course, I'm now worried about repercussions.

Any suggestions re: how to keep my sanity and not become totally paranoid?

Signed,

Nervous Nell

Dear Nell,

Executive amnesia is a common problem in the workplace. It is the result of 1) stress, 2) anxiety and 3) the inability of bosses to admit that they only know what's going on for five minutes at a time. It is possible that on-the-job pressure exerts certain physical damage to the small portions of the cerebellum that control memory, and that over the years the boss develops a syndrome by which he or she can think about only what's in front of his or her face ... like a goldfish, to whom the little plastic castle is brand new every time it swims by it.

There is one other possibility, of course. Bosses are allowed to do a lot of things in pursuit of "management" of their people. Like yell, hide, and sometimes, yes, lie. One form of lying is to "forget" mistakes, misstatements of fact, or mean, idiotic things done in the course of business. Some managers find this solution preferable to either admitting wrongdoing or being busted for incompetence by their own bosses.

Is there anything that can be done about this? Well, first of all, I would advise against busting this person in front of her superiors. There's very little to be gained from blurting in slack-jawed disbelief, "But Mary! You DID say that, don't you remember?" or more simply, "What the heck is the matter with you? Are you soft in the head or something?" This violates one of the most central rules of business: Never make your boss look bad, even when he or she deserves it. This person clearly has a disability, or is at least very confused. Perhaps she needs help. Confidential conversations carefully parsing out what you don't like and how you disagree with her for operational reasons are a good beginning; and yes, working your actual, direct superior behind the scenes is a good idea, too. But it's clear that you're going to have to be tap dancing for a while, going back and forth between these two managers and playing them against each other. The good news is that this manager's "bad memory" seems to be most in evidence when she is denying her bad behavior toward you. Maybe she's not forgetful at all. Maybe she's just a gutless wonder. That's a good executive characteristic now and then.

As always, a focus on the work is also a great place to get some footing. If you need to be in a meeting for good business reasons, work to get into the meeting. Make it hard for this "forgetful" person -- who has some political motivation for wanting you out of the meeting -- to exclude you. You'll win some, and be present. You'll lose some, and be absent. But if you keep making it an issue, you'll attend more than you'll miss. Just make sure the reasons you give for being there are business, not personal, as the Corleones would say. And don't ignore the possibility that this person might make a better friend than enemy. Take her out for coffee. Appeal to her managerial largesse. Make her WANT you to be in the meeting. It's better than fighting all the time. The key problem that must be solved in every management situation is how to win a boss over to your position. You seldom win by fighting against a boss because, as you've noted, life becomes not worth living. So employ tact, friendliness, manipulation, deceit, guilt, whatever tools you've got. You know how, right? Sure you do.