For those who haven't gone through many resignations, it's a revealing reality check about what HR really cares about -- and what they just do for show.
- We are watching you. Suspicions confirmed. We want to make sure that you leave quietly. With dignity. No drama. You would be surprised at the stupid things people do when they leave a company.
- We are watching your internet traffic. Don't even think about leaking something, sending out company information, or being a jerk to your coworkers.
- We are thinking of letting you go early. Some HR people will tell you to stay home during your notice period. Don't be offended. We'll pay you. Enjoy the time off before you start your new job.
- If you're really great, we might want to counter-offer you and tempt you to stay. Never accept this offer. Never. We will always wonder when you're going to threaten to quit again (because we suspect it was just a fake threat) for more money.
- Coworkers and colleagues will bug you and ask for the real scoop. Do me a favor and keep your yap shut. It's not your job to expose the soft underbelly of an organization. Stick to your story. You're leaving for personal reasons (blah blah blah).
- We will ask you to participate in an exit interview. This a pointless exercise. You have the right to say no. HR never does anything meaningful with the data. Managers assume sour grapes. Employees are too afraid to burn bridges. If you have any questions about your benefits, use this meeting to clarify your questions -- and get out of there without burning a bridge.
(Image of happy quitter by rocketace, CC 2.0)