Teasing, Lying, Or Loving Too Much
Whether the kids in your life are toddlers or teenagers or somewhere in between, there are bound to be times when you're not sure how to help them through their growing pains.
The Saturday Early Show family counselor, Mike Riera, has advice. He answers parenting questions e-mailed by our viewers.
Letter No.1: Teasing
"Dear Mike,
I know an 8-year-old young lady who is teased by her classmates because she does not have a father. The child is being raised by her mother. How can we help her answer this teasing?"
Teasing comes in all forms, especially starting around this age and continuing through middle school. And this is one of the worst forms of teasing: making fun of one's family.
What should this person do?
First, make your stance: This is awful and wrong. There are no excuses for this behavior.
Second, talk with her about it and listen. It's very important to empathize with her. Don't try to take the pain away or to gloss it over.
Third, after you've really listened and empathized, work with her to come up with strategies to handle the teasing.
Brainstorm together about how she could respond to teasing. For example:
- Different kinds of comebacks
- Comments that would change the subject
- How to leave the situation gracefully
Fourth, role play with her. Have her play the teasers, while you play her. Then switch. This is very helpful for many kids.
Fifth, encourage her to get support from the adults around her. And be sure to explain to her the difference between telling and tattling.
Finally, if the teasing continues, you should talk to the teacher or administration about what is going on. School needs to be safe for kids, physically and emotionally. It's the law.
Bottom line is that you want her to realize that she does not have to, nor should she, tolerate teasing.
Letter No. 2: Lying
"Dear Mike,
How do you deal with a 15-year-old boy who lies about things so much that we never know when to take him seriously? He is otherwise a great kid."
Seriously, how would you know that otherwise he is a great kid if he lies all the time?
But the big perspective: 15 years old is when many kids really begin to try out lying. It's part of exercising power; of testing limits; and of seeing if anyone really cares.
You care and you need to prove it.
A few different approaches, and you need to see which one fits you and your family, especially your son. In the end it's probably an amalgam of various approaches.
- Humor: Learn to poke fun at him when you start to hear his lies. A warning though: This is tricky, and if he doesn't start smiling with you, stop because it'll only make things worse.
- Consequences: As neutrally as possible, give him consequences when you catch him lying. Make them manual and time-limited: Wash the car, clean the kitchen, etc.
- Write him a letter or letters saying what you think about the lying, but especially about how he shortchanges himself when he lies. And lying represents his mistrust of others, which leads to others mistrusting him.
- Acknowledge the courage it takes to tell the truth when there are undesirable consequences. And be prepared with examples from your own life.
It takes time. The lying won't stop overnight, but unless you make it important, it won't go away on its own either.
Letter No. 3 : Girl-Crazy Boy
"Dear Mike:
I have a four-year-old son who is really into girls. He fell in love with Gaby at preschool and Jade at taekwondo. He talks about marrying these girls. We went to a baby shower and, for days, he said he wanted to marry me so that we can have babies, too. How should I handle his obsession?"
Enjoy it while it lasts! It's not at all unusual for little kids to feel this way and talk this way. Think about it, at four, he has no idea what it means to be married or to have children, he's just interpreting what he sees around him: "When two people love each other, they get married and have babies."
In all these proclamations and declarations, he is simply telling you how much he loves you. Soak it up. All to say, this will drop by the wayside over time, so just enjoy the attention right now. It's not a red flag for concern.