Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions - Financial Crisis Edition

I loved Mad Magazine growing up. My favorite recurring piece was "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions" by Al Jaffee. Even if you've never experienced the wittiest publication on the planet, don't worry, you won't need an MBA to enjoy a heavy dose of satire guaranteed to help you weather the financial crisis.

Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions - Financial Crisis Edition
Q: Has the economy got you down?
A: No, I often weep in public.
A: No, but does this staircase go to the rooftop?
A: No, I've discovered that a fifth of bourbon gets my day off to a great start.

Q: Will you have to discount your house to sell it?
A: No, the realtor says we'll get what we paid for it -- in 1942.
A: No, we just rub this magic lamp and a genie pops out --
A: No, the salvage and recycle company gave us fifty bucks for it.

Q: How's your business doing?
A: Great, how are your hemorrhoids?
A: Great, it's nice and quiet here since we laid off all our employees.
A: Great, who needs credit with a warehouse full of product nobody wants to buy?

Q: How's that hedge fund you put all your money into doing?
A: Great, we expect to get enough money from the liquidation proceedings to pay for our bankruptcy attorney.
A: Great, I'm supposed to be getting a check in the mail any day now.
A: Great, how's that Nigerian bank deal working out for you?

Q: When do you think you'll be able to retire?
A: I can retire now; I just clean floors at 86 to stay young.
A: Let's see, with social security kicking in, oh, in about 106 years.
A: When politicians stop lying.

Q: Are you having trouble finding a job?
A: No, I just like to hang out on the corner and beg for money on my day off.
A: No, I used to be an investment banker but I've always had a passion for fast-food.
A: No, I just have a thing for urinating in public.

Q: Do you hate your boss?
A: No, I just mistook his face for a dart board.
A: No, he really gets a kick out of hanging by his feet out the window.
A: No, but I really should get going; the cops just pulled up.

Q: What happened to that brand new Mercedes you used to drive?
A: We upgraded to a classic, an '84 El Camino.
A: It was a gas guzzler so we traded it in for a Tonka truck.
A: We can't afford to drive it but it makes a great nursery for the new baby.

Q: Are you in favor of all the stimulus, bailout, and entitlement spending?
A: Sure, how do you expect a federal government to operate with only 2 million employees and a $3.5 trillion budget?
A: Sure, we'll all be better off with the government taking care of us.
A: Sure, I always wanted to learn to speak Chinese.

Good times. Now it's your turn. Hit us with the best snappy answers to stupid questions you can come up with. Just try to keep it somewhat civilized. If the response is good, I'll publish the best ones.