Raising A Generous Child

A lot of children, especially at this time of year, find it easier to receive than to give. If you'd like to raise a generous child, the December issue of Essence magazine can help. It features ways to encourage generosity in your child. On The Saturday Early Show, Ylonda Gault Caviness, Essence Lifestyle Editor as well as a mother of two, offers parenting tips.

From early on, most children are encouraged to be generous, but many have trouble embracing that concept. Why?

As parents we know we want our kids to give, but we have to give them the language for it. You can't just say share. You have to show them that it feels good. Model by your own behavior, and that means giving of your time and your spirit.

For example, prepare a meal for an older neighbor and let your child help. If they're too young to help you cook, let them help take the meal to the neighbor's home. When your child sees how that neighbor feels, they'll well up with that feeling of goodness and eventually look for other ways to make it happen.

When it comes to encouraging your child to give, what's the most important thing parents need to communicate?

Make sure your kids know your values. We sometimes forget to communicate to kids effectively what we think is important when it comes to our community, church, or family. Let them know that giving of themselves is something you think is important.

Instead of having kid make a wish list for Santa next year, have them also make a "to do" list of things to do for other people. This also works with older children who already are in the habit of asking for gifts for themselves. You're not going to have much luck getting them to give that up, but they can make the "to do" list in addition, so they understand that giving of yourself is something you think is valuable.

The holidays are a tough time because kids are seeing the latest toys advertised on TV, so they're focused on asking for what they want -- or lamenting that they didn't get certain toys. What can we do to fight the "gimmee" mentality?

You can balance that by saying, "Sometimes new toys are not as great as they seem on TV. Maybe we can look at some of the things we have here at home and find new ways to play with them."

First, you're educating them about advertising and the media, but you're also showing them that what you value isn't the newest, hottest slickest toy, but what we can do with what have, whether it's a lot or a little.

You recommend age 3 as a good time to start. Give us an example of how to begin with a child that young.

My daughter Chloe is 3, and I told her that Santa can't give all the boys and girls everything they want, and some children don't have houses, so Santa can't find them easily. So we have to give to kids who aren't as lucky as we are, by giving some of our toys that we have in our house.

What about older children?

Older children are awre of what's going on in the world around them, and since Sept. 11, they understand that sense of tragedy. You can help show them there is something they can do for those kids who lost their parents, for example. Your children can write letters to let them know that someone is thinking of them; they can start toy or book drive. Capitalize on where your kid is (in terms of their interests.) You can go online to find sites like dogood.com, which has a lot of ideas for giving and volunteering.

How do you encourage kids to give without "guilting" them into it?

Present it in a positive way. Don't focus so much on the pain and suffering that is out there because kids can't handle it anyway. Focus on the abundance of spirit.

Find something your child likes to do. If she's good in math, she might be able to tutor another child; if he's a good reader, he might volunteer to read stories to younger children. A lot of us do have material things, but it's really about the giving of the spirit. Some parents have told me their kids don't want to give anything away; they're attached to their toys or think they might need them later even if they don't play with them now -- so don't force it because maybe they have a sentimental attachment to their toys or books. But encourage them to give something of themselves, to share a talent or an interest.

Parents also have a lot of demands on their time. What if a parent really doesn't set aside time to do volunteer work. In what other ways can we teach by example?

There may not be the opportunity that there was a generation ago, when there was a more of a volunteering spirit. But you can make you child aware that you value these things. We all can do something to help others. Help a family member, or write a check, though that may not be the ideal thing to do in terms of giving. But maybe you can encourage your child to donate a portion of their allowance, even if it's a small amount. Show them that giving feels good.

Our Guest:

Ylonda Gault Caviness has been the Lifestyle Editor at Essence for year and a half, after having freelanced for the magazine for several years. She now oversees features on parenting, travel, food, home, and entertaining. She previously wrote for Crain's New York Business. Ylonda lives in Montclair, NJ and has two daughters, ages 3 and 1.

For more information read the following books:

• Stay Strong: Simple Life Lessons for Teens by Terrie Williams
• Building Moral Intelligence: The Seven Essential Virtues That Teach Kids to Do the Right Thing by Michele Borba
• Christmas Makes Me Think by Tony Medina
  

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