Problem Employees? Get Help From Caddyshack, Spinal Tap, and Animal House
Imagine you're having a discussion with a problem employee. You know, that conversation: Discussing poor performance, unrealistic career development goals (at least based on current skills and experience), fielding the employee's complaints about other employees, etc. 
There are lots of things you'd like to say, especially if this isn't the first time you've had the conversation.
But you can't.
So why not think, even if just for a second, about what you wish you could say? After all, a little humor can go a long way towards keeping you sane.
Here are five things you might wish you could say to employees courtesy of "Caddyshack," "This is Spinal Tap," and "Animal House."
Just don't say them out loud:
"Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son." No matter how hard you try -- regardless of the additional training, mentoring, coaching, and guidance you provide -- some employees consistently struggle to meet performance standards. A few even seem oblivious to the fact their performance is sub-par and express surprise every time you give feedback. Dean Wormer cuts to the heart of Dorfman's issues without providing solutions; your job is to help a struggling employee understand and then meet expectations.
"...best leave it unsolved, really." Interpersonal issues can be the bane of a supervisor or manager's life, especially when it seems like half your team doesn't get along. Sometimes the "he said, she said" sessions can drive you crazy and you'd love to drop the problem completely. Smile to yourself as you imagine taking Nigel Tufnel's existential approach, then keep trying to resolve the issues. (Skip to about 2:05.)
"You'll get nothing -- and like it!" A few employees constantly seek promotions and raises without putting in the effort required to earn greater responsibility and compensation. When an employee continually pushes for unearned rewards, imagine Judge Smails comes to the rescue. Then explain, in concrete terms, what the employee needs to do to deserve a raise or promotion.
"Zero-point-zero." Ever walked into a performance review and you don't know where to start? Poor productivity, poor attendance, poor attitude... what do you say to an employee who is a poster child for poor performance? Console yourself for a moment with how Dean Wormer delivers Blutarsky's GPA, then get to work helping the employee turn the performance corner.
"I've sentenced boys younger than you to the gas chamber. Didn't want to do it. Felt like I owed it to them." This one is a twist. Have you ever heard a manager say to an employee they were about to fire, "This is really hard for me..." Hard for you? Hard for you? Isn't it juuust a little harder for the employee? Telling an employee how "difficult" you find it to discipline or fire them is incredibly tacky. Don't worry about how hard it is for you; worry about being as professional and compassionate as possible.
And a bonus:
"Oh... good for you." Ever had an employee who sought praise for, well, everything? I once had an employee drive a forklift off a loading dock. (Fortunately he was unhurt since he jumped off before it fell.) He called me and said, "Um, I just totaled a forklift... but I did grab my clipboard before I jumped off, so all my paperwork is still in order." I would have loved to have channeled my inner Christian Bale and said, "Oh, good for you..." Instead I grabbed some accident forms and got to work.
Feel free to share your favorite "I wish I could have said..." quotes in the comments!
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