This morning in the post "World's Worst Elevator Pitches" I tore apart a couple of very similar elevator pitches. It wouldn't be fair to do that without offering a rewrite, so here goes.
Since the two pitches are both for training/consulting firms, we can do a single rewrite for both of them. Let's use Barry Rhein's elevator pitch structure:
PART 1. The lead-in. Provide the conceptual/emotional framework.
"Our firm turns average employees into top-earning superstars."
Part 2. The contents. Information that will intrigue the prospect.
"Based on scientific research, we've come up with a completely unique way to get employees focused on customers. It's so effective, in fact, that [famous former customer] said we increased their net margin by 27 percent in one year."
Part 3. The engagement. An open-ended conversation starter.
"Just out of curiosity, what training have you given to your people to keep them customer focused?" [Listen to response]
Part 4: Call to action. If prospect shows interest, ask for a meeting.
"I would love to have an initial phone conversation with you about customer-focused training. What is the best way to get on your calendar?"
I guarantee that the elevator pitch above will generate more follow-on sales than those pitiful originals.
But I'll be that somebody out there can do even better.
READERS: Feel free to post your own rewrite!