Jumping back into the dating pool after a divorce can be tough — and even tougher if you have children. So clinical psychologist Robin Goodman visited The Saturday Early Show with some advice.
Citing statistics from the National Family Resiliency Center, Goodman says that in the United States:
One in every two marriages ends in divorce.Two-thirds of these families include minor children, As a result, about 1 million children each year become "children of divorce." Divorce is the most common problem children face today. It is more prevalent than drug abuse, teenage pregnancy, or the death of a parent.Currently, about 37 percent of all American children live with a divorced parent. Before reaching 18, about 25 to 35 percent of American children will spend some time in a stepfamily. Two thirds of these children will have step- or half-siblings. Goodman says it is a myth that the divorce rate in the United States is rising at an alarming rate. She says the divorce rate actually leveled off through the 1950s. It rose again in the 1960s up until the late 1980s, when it leveled off again.
Her main "how-tos":
Prepare everyone. That includes your ex, the new person, and the kids. No matter how obvious troubles might have seemed between you and your ex, kids are still often shocked when a divorce finally happens. They don't need to be surprised by a replacement date for the parent.The new person should know what to expect with kids. Be prepared for an adjustment period. There can be some testing of the limits or acting out when someone new becomes more permanent.
Talk to your children about a new person — alone. Give your children a chance to react and ask questions without the new person being there. Hear them out and talk over their concerns or wishes.
Your kids don't need to be introduced to everyone you date. Think about it the way you did when you were younger. When did you bring someone home to your parents or double date with friends? Then wait a little longer! Usually you need to wait until there is some interest in a longer-lasting relationship.
Be honest but appropriate. Your kids don't need all the details. If it concerns them, kids figure it out.
Be up front. Tell your ex yourself that you're dating. Your ex shouldn't be put in the awkward position of hearing about your dates from the kids (and the kids shouldn't be the messenger). You do not need to share every detail; just give your ex a heads-up.
Go slow. Introduce the new person slowly. Don't involve the person in everything all at once. Call someone a "friend" and don't attach significant meaning to it until it is serious.Even when it does become serious, go slowly when talking about and showing what that means. Kids should not have to get used to a parade of people coming in and out of their lives.
Be patient. They did not choose their parents, and they don't necessarily have a choice about whom you date, but they do have some choice about how they feel.
Let relationships evolve: Let the kids and new person develop their own relationship. You can't force everyone to get along; it can backfire and turn into resentment. A new person has to earn a place with someone else's children by being an individual, not a carbon copy or opposite of the ex.
Think about togetherness. Be careful with invites. Ideally, divorced parents should be collaborative parents, and so should be able to attend significant events for their children together. It can be awkward for children and the other spouse when the ex shows up with the new.Have a plan for the "getting to know you" phase. It may be best to start with small doses, things that are time-limited and involve activity (a movie, a couple of hours at the zoo, things that don't require just sitting around and talking). Don't start with an event that was usually shared with both parents, like a school play or sports game.
Have separate "pots" of time: parent and child time, new adult and child time, parent, child and new adult time, and parent and new adult time. Even after a new person is established in your life, it's helpful if the new person can be independent and let you have your own time with the children. The parent or the new person can initiate this so the child knows it's OK to have mom or dad "all to myself."
Children's reactions to divorce tend to vary with age.
Infant responds most to change in routine and caregivers (upset by differences and changes in voices and physical contact)Preschool (18 months to 5 years old): These children are concerned with separation and show more separation anxiety. They can express being upset by tantrums, anger and regressive behavior (getting clingy).School age (6-12): These youngsters are especially prone to feel the divorce was their fault and to notice their parents' feelings, so they are sensitive to issues of loyalty. Friends are important to them, so they may feel different or alone.Teenagers are apt to feel upset about the disruption and forced independence. They tend to see the world in black and white.How do kids usually feel about their divorced parents dating? What are some common reactions?
Fear that they'll be abandoned again. Or: "If Mom and Dad stop loving each other and get a new partner, does that mean they will stop loving me and replace me or cast me aside?"Jealousy. Kids don't want to share the parent. They see the new person as a threat to their position and the decreased amount of time they already feel they spend.Disappointment. Many (if not most) kids hope their parents will get back together. Once a parent dates, this fantasy bubble bursts.Confusion. "How can Mom or Dad love two different people?" "Who will be my dad?" "Who do I listen to?" "Who's in charge?"Curiosity. Be prepared for questions or misconceptions. Kids will wonder about closed doors, new people at the breakfast table. These things should not be a surprise. Kids don't need intimate details, but they should not be caught off guard. It will diminish trust in you, and if they're worried and upset at being left out, it can come out as anger.Expect comparisons. It's natural for kids to say, "She's not as much fun as Mom" or "I don't think he's so special." They may do this for lots of reasons, to protect the other parent, because they're angry or jealous, or because the person really isn't right for you!What if you are the one who is dating a divorced parent?
Realize you may not always come first. There's competition, and the person you're dating will often feel squeezed or overwhelmed trying to meet everyone's needs.You need to have room for other children in your life.You may have strong opinions about how the person parents or co-parents; you need to talk about this and work it out.Think about your role, which can vary depending on the situation and needs of the kids.Don't go overboard to "make the kids like you." Some other pointers from Goodman:
Stay in charge. Kids need to know that the parent is in charge. If the new person is given some responsibility or authority for some reason, the parent should communicate this.Separate your feelings for the kids, the new person, and your ex-spouse (other parent). Just because you may be head over heels "in like" with the new person doesn't mean your children will be. Don't compare the new with your ex, or bad-mouth him or her. The new person should not badmouth or compete with your ex. The newbie must support you and parenting of the ex. If you and the newbie disagree, have your discussions away from the kids, just as all parents should do.Be careful and clear: You don't need to discuss every step of the new relationship. Use a "need-to-know" approach. Tell kids things when they need to know, not out of your own guilt or overzealous excitement. As a relationship gets more serious, tell them but be prepared with specifics about what that means. For instance: "John will be spending more time here on the weekends and come over for dinner during the week."Be very clear about major changes. For example: "Jane and I want to get married, but Abby will still always be your mom and you can call Jane your stepmom or Jane, whichever feels better to you."
Set a good example. Having a positive relationship with someone else and a workable relationship with your ex is the best example for kids. After going through a divorce, you need to help your kids learn that good, meaningful relationships are out there and possible.What if you do everything right, but your kids still don't like the new person?
Don't force the kids to like someone new. Even if you get remarried, they will often always be loyal to the original parent. They don't necessarily buy the idea that "now you have more people who love you." They didn't want that. They wanted the two people they had to love them.Be consistent. The more consistent things are between the households, the better for the kids. Certainly, some things will vary. But ideally, important issues should be agreed upon (bedtime, homework time, curfew, punishments). Bad behavior is unacceptable. You can empathize with your kids for having to deal with a divorce; it's not easy or pleasant for them. But parents should not let kids off the hook because of their own guilt, or because they want to look good compared to the other parent, or get back at the other parent.