Holy Holograms!

Like most people, I usually hate business meetings. The worst kind for me are the same ones that you can't stand: having some big shot lecture you on things you already know or don't care about. He or she keeps talking and you nod your head as you think, "How could anybody this stupid be my boss?" You half-listen while you also do things like calculate how many more years you have to work before your mortgage is paid off.

In the past several years, "teleconferencing" has come into being, so that your boss can chew you out via computer even if he's thousands of miles away. Some call it "progress." I call it "horrifying."

But apparently this was not high-tech enough for the pushers of the digital envelope. Now they can transmit holographic images of people.

These are not just little pictures of somebody on a screen, speaking in a squeaky voice. These are life-size, three-dimensional images. It actually seems as if the person is there. According to Philip Barnet of "Teleportec" — that's the real name of the company. I'm not kidding — even though we know intellectually that the person isn't really in the room with us, our brains insist that he's there because he's so life-like.

And here's some really bad news: in case you thought you could make wisecracks and hand gestures at the hologram, forget it. The executive who is thousands of miles away can see and hear the audience!

Holographic communication just seems rude to me. Nobody likes to discuss or argue passionately with someone who isn't really there. Isn't that one of the main reasons for the high divorce rate?

The fact that the person isn't really with us is a huge insult. He or she doesn't care enough to actually be in the same room with us. I'll bet that same executive talks to that hot new assistant in person. And they don't send holograms to meet the big money people when they arrive in their private jets. Don't they at least owe us the courtesy of being in the same state where we are?

Some people see a possible role for this kind of communication in education. Obviously, there are some brilliant teachers in the world, and they can only teach a limited number of students in person. With holographic transmission, a teacher could lecture countless students in an unlimited number of lecture halls.

This is a good thing, right? Wrong. When I was in school, I got in enough trouble with the teacher being just a few feet away. Can you imagine how students might behave if their "teacher" is really something that they can just walk right through? It will make the way kids traditionally act with a substitute look like an audience with the Queen.

So how do we stop this onslaught of three-dimensional smoke and mirrors? Don't worry. It won't be long before some kid hacks into Hologram Central, and steals all the secrets. Then he'll post them on the Web, and everyone will be able to download them faster than you can say "Napster."

Once the ability to create holographic communication becomes available to everybody, common folk will have their revenge. If our bosses can create holographic images of themselves, so can we. Those attentive-looking, freshly-scrubbed faces that executives will be addressing might soon be holographic images themselves. Similarly, all those "students" that the super professors are lecturing may not really be there.

Once we all have holographic capabilities, there will be no need for any of us to go to school or to work. We can just send our images, and we can stay home, go to the beach, or go to a ballgame. The only problem is, if we play hooky and go to a ballgame, how will we know whether those players on the field are actually there?

By Lloyd Garver