Excerpt: "He's Just Not Your Type"
Chapter 8
Risk = Reward
Our lives improve only when we take chances-and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.
-Walter Anderson
I admire failures. I mentioned this to someone, and he responded, "Funny-I try to be inspired by people who have found success. Call me crazy!" I understand his logic, of course, but show me one highly successful person who has never failed at anything. There is probably more to learn from the roadblocks encountered on the path to success than from every moment of glory.
When failure is the result of a chosen course of action, it's usually because a certain amount of risk was undertaken. It's much harder to mess up if you are satisfied with the status quo and refuse to rock the boat.
Risk taking is one of my values. The greatest moments in my life have resulted from pushing past my comfort zone and exploring something unknown-whether it was a new experience, country, or relationship.
When I finished grad school in Toronto and moved to California without a job or a work visa, it was not a practical move. (Dear INS: If you are reading this, I did get legal status to work in the United States within my first few months of residing here) When I was boarding the plane with all my baggage (literally ... and, well, figuratively), I was aware that heading to San Francisco was probably not the most sensible action, but I realized that I did not want to live my life with regret because I was scared to take a risk. I followed my heart across the continent to the West Coast to spend more time with a man that I subsequently lived with for 5 years. At the time, though, I had no idea what would happen, and I certainly didn't want to rely on him, or any one person, to build my new life. I knew that when I arrived in California, I would have to seek out friendships and find an employer to sponsor me as a foreigner. The truth is, when we follow our wants in life and take the necessary risks to achieve them, most of us discover that we are more resourceful than we gave ourselves credit for.
Risk taking is the ultimate rebellion against the shoulds of your life. It is directly related to fulfilling your dreams and living an authentic life.
A very wise and wealthy businessman once said to me (in his deep Charlton Heston voice), "Andrea, don't you know that you have to risk happiness to find happiness?" I walked away wondering what he meant. Do we have to struggle to be happy? I certainly hope not. And then it hit me - we can keep doing the same things we always do, lead a pleasant enough life, and be truly content. But happiness and contentment are not synonymous. To be happy is to access another level of engagement. In this way, happiness is about action. You realize that to enjoy your life, you have to create it. You realize that great things don't just happen-they have to be dreamed up, believed in, and built.
When I talk about taking risks in love, I'm not referring to going home with a stranger you meet at a bar, nor am I suggesting you start dating married men. I'm not talking about reckless behavior - actions that provide immediate gratification but later become a source of regret (and a few hard-earned lessons). I'm talking about the risks that you may be reluctant to take because they are not the easiest choices but that later become turning points in your life. These kinds of risks require you to put yourself out there in a bold and unpredictable way because you are guided by your gut and led by your feelings.
I remember being in a past relationship and wishing I could look into a crystal ball to find out whether I should stay or leave. I wanted a sign - something to indicate the next step I should take. But life, unfortunately, does not work that way. We are not given the answer before we take action. Risk taking is necessary to create change in our lives.
The funny thing is, while playing it safe is almost always the easier option, it rarely feels good. Most of the time, sitting on the fence feels stagnant and less comfortable than jumping off and landing on one side. Certainly the fall may hurt, but don't fool yourself-the fence rail digging into your thighs as you sit there hurts more.
When I pursued a relationship with Michael, jumping off the fence meant following my heart despite the shoulds, the can'ts, and the uncertainty that awaited me on the other side. But it was in that unknown territory that I found my husband.
For many of the women whose real-life romances are featured in these pages, risk taking has been an integral part of their success. When Ruth met François, she took a risk by going on that camping trip. But she never doubted her instincts. "I wasn't husband hunting at the time," she explained. "It was an authentic choice. Once I accepted that my gut was telling me something, I never looked back."
As my friend Natalie said when she fell in love with her nontype, sometimes reconnecting with the right partner reconnects you with yourself.
Reprinted from "He's Just Not Your Type (and that's a good thing)" by Andrea Syrtash. Copyright (c) 2010 by Andrea Syrtash. By permission of Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098.