"Dancing with the Stars": Will Kirstie Alley survive?
(CBS) "There's no time to stop for the pain," said host Tom Bergeron at the beginning of last night's "Dancing with the Stars" Final Four.
How could one argue? Three dances - so, three opportunities for agony on the part of the contestants and, indeed, the viewers.
Pictures: "Dancing with the Stars" Season 12
First was Ralph Macchio, seemingly cured of pain. However, he can't be cured of having a small bottom, so partner Karina Smirnoff suggested putting a pad in his pants to make his rear end look meatier.
In this Argentine tango, they danced around a lamppost. There was no sign of Macchio's sore knee of last week. There was every sign of faux meanness on his face.
"One of us has to stay normal," said Maksim Chmerkovskiy to Kirstie Alley, shortly before she screamed, cried and declared she was weary. Perhaps that's what they call the new normal. Their Viennese Waltz was classic, pleasant and measured. Tonioli said that Alley "set sail like a majestic clipper riding the waves."
Mark Ballas feared that Chelsea Kane was coasting. So he got pissed and said to her: "Show me pissed. Get pissed."
He complained in rehearsal that he was lifting a dead weight. This wouldn't be good in the Argentine tango. However, this was the producers choosing the worst moments of rehearsals, just to tickle the viewers' nerve ends. In the real thing, Kane was a lightweight, in every positive sense. She draped herself against Ballas and offered a perfect balance between anguish and anger. She had very bright red lipstick too.
Carrie Ann Inaba said it wasn't up to par. She complained about bent legs. Goodman agreed. Tonioli, though, loved it - yes, he stood to speak. He said she was like Sharon Stone - whom I knew to be an intellectual, but not such a great dancer.
Speaking of his fellow judges, Tonioli said: "They didn't get it, I got it."
Anyone who's had eyes and thighs over the last week knows that Hines Ward's partner, Kym Johnson, was taken to a Los Angeles hospital during rehearsal. This was because Ward piledrove her into the floor, head first. She couldn't feel her arms. She was in a surgical collar.
Cut to Johnson dancing the Argentine tango. It's a miracle. A miracle. Her arms were moving just fine.
In recent weeks, Ward has seemed a little tentative, perhaps feeling the pressure of the lascivious gazes of a thousand cougars. Here, though, he showed full commitment. So much so that the judges stood to applaud. Ward burst into tears. Yes, he hadn't killed Johnson. She wasn't paralyzed. She lives on. It's a miracle.
"I was there in the club," said Goodman, praising their authenticity. The legs, he said, were like something from the Kama Sutra.
Oddly, it suddenly appeared that, at that very moment, Johnson's chest had popped out of her dress. Perhaps in sympathy or excitement, Tonioli began to take his own clothes off. Inaba wept. Not, I think, because Tonioli began to take his clothes off.
Three 10s followed like hundred-dollar bills into a stripper's garter.
Ralph Macchio's second dance, a salsa, began with some bottom-waggling. Was his back-end enhanced again? Yes. Was this illegal? In some states.
He offered as much energy as a 49-year-old possibly could. However, Goodman said it was too much energy and not enough dancing.
"Are you wearing extra-large diapers?" asked Tonioli. Inaba was not amused. What does she know about extra-large diapers that she's not telling us?
In a package before her second dance, Kirstie Alley talked about her cocaine addiction. She talked about being "old" and "fat." Then she walked out in a black dress and performed the paso doble. There's soap opera for you.
She gave it as much precision as her body could offer. She ended the dance on her back. Thankfully, this was choreographed.
"That was Dance Trek 12: The Wrath of Kirstie," said Tonioli, praising the consistency of her puff. In fact, the judges all loved it.
Chelsea Kane and Mark Ballas danced the rumba. Kane began draped in a sheer sheet. She continued by describing lines that the other contestants simply couldn't draw with a pencil, a sheet of paper and three hours. This was the sort of sensuality entirely frowned upon by Disney.
Goodman praised both her feet and her legs. Tonioli called it hypnotizing, perfectly pitched and stunning.
Co-host Brooke Burke immediately asked Kane a question that, paraphrased, was: "How does it feel being the least famous contestant here? Will the fact that you're actually the best dancer make any difference to the silly old ladies at home who vote?"
Kane tried to be diplomatic. The judges all gave her a 10.
Hines Ward gave everything to his salsa. His top half still seems a little tight, as if he's bracing himself for a hit at any moment. However, he offered a controlled exuberance that few can resist.
"You were steaming and I was beaming," said Goodman.
Tonioli added, with something between a twinkle and an invitation: "You're just beautiful, man."
Inaba could only express the vast amount of joy that was coursing through her tingling, hungry body - or something like that. Three more 10s were whipped up by the judges' paddles.
But there were still 25 minutes to go. How to fill it? Why, with a winner-takes-all cha-cha.
Fifteen points were on offer, to buffer against the myopia, bias or sheer incompetence of those who might decide the fates from the comfort of their homes.
In the first round, it was Ward against Macchio. Ward took a unanimous verdict on points.
So then we had the ever-able Kane against Alley. Kane mouthed the words to her song as she danced. There's confidence for you. Alley pulled aggressive faces, while offering sensual body movements. She is, however, clearly feeling the strain.
The judges were again unanimous for Kane and Ballas.
So we had the two most competent dancers, who had only one four-minute commercial break to learn their music. It was Lady Gaga's "Just Dance."
Though Ward tried very hard, there was surely only one winner. Kane's movements are far more committed, far more natural and when she slid backwards and forwards between Ballas' legs you knew it was all over bar the platitudes.
Tonioli said that it was like picking between diamonds and pearls or strawberries and cream. These were diamonds and pearls of cliche.
Kane and Ballas won by unanimous acclamation. But would objectivity in the living rooms, bedrooms and kitchens of America keep them in the competition? Or would Kane suffer the fate of so many whose talent exceeds their fame?
How easy it will be for a voting audience that is advanced in age to vote for those, like Alley, who are also advanced in age?
Watching reality TV is all about projecting yourself into the show. Will we be throwing projectiles after the results show?
TOP ONE: Chelsea Kane
BOTTOM ONE: Ralph Macchio
