Combing Through "Potter" Spoilers
In the name of transparency, it's only right that I should inform you readers that an edict has come down here in our newsroom not to spoil the ending of the seventh and final installment of the "Harry Potter" series, "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows."
However, that doesn't mean I can't clue you in to a couple subplots from the book. I obtained a bootleg copy online that I am reasonably sure is legit (the distributor altered the title to, "Harry Pooter and the Fuzzy Jell-o," apparently to avoid detection from J.K. Rowling's publishers).
The story lines that intrigued me most:
In a blatant rip-off of the first "American Pie" movie, Harry, Ron Weasley, and lovable loser Neville Longbottom compete to see who can lose their virginity first. Despite a slew of "enhancement" potions and potential date-rape scenarios involving the invisibility cloak, Harry and Ron strike out. Neville wins the prize with what he thinks is a hot Gryffindor girl who accidentally wanders into the boy's washroom. She is actually a sexually confused henchman from the evil Draco Malfoy's crew who was using a transfiguration spell to spy on Harry. When Neville learns this, he questions his own heterosexuality and contemplates suicide.
Hermione Granger starts dating a college dropout-turned drug dealer. She uses her magical powers to create an odorless crystal meth lab and soon becomes the most powerful drug distributor in the western world. She buys a mansion and four acres on the beach in Miami and flaunts her wealth and power (she fills her heart-shaped swimming pool with Cristal champagne and has a gold-speckled "Death Eater" tattoo just above her buttocks.) Her drug habit makes her increasingly paranoid and irrational. When the DEA finally raids her crib, she pulls out her diamond-crusted wand and yells, "say hello to my little friend!" You'll have to read the book to find out what happens next.
Fred and George Weasley briefly entertain the thought of manipulating Middle East politics by staging a complex corruption scandal to ensnare selected Arab leaders and the CEO of a major Russian oil company. They abandon the idea and develop magic glasses that can reveal a person's most embarrassing moment in a public bathroom. The great wizard Albus Dumbledore returns from the dead as a Christ-like figure and reveals that even seemingly benevolent acts of magic are the work of Satan. He reinvents the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry as a retreat to teach people, young and old, the power of prayer. The Bible, the apocalyptic "Left Behind" series, and selected works of Ann Coulter become required reading. He also declares serving butter beer to children a hanging offense.
I should add, it's very possible this copy I've obtained is a hoax. Aside from misspelling several character names, the whole thing is set in Peoria, Ill. Of course, that could be Rowling taking literary license to the extreme in the series conclusion. I sure hope I didn't just spoil that.
Mike Wuebben has written several non-published works, including angry e-mails to former girlfriends and at least three book reports on the Judy Blume classic, "Tales of a Fourth-Grade Nothing." Prior to that, he couldn't read or write.
If you really want to talk, send Mike an e-mail. If it's urgent, buy an industrial-size spotlight with a W stencil and shine it into the night sky. Mike looks up regularly to check his messages.