This story was written by Sara Rosenthal, Brown Daily Herald
The press has treated Sarah Palin unfairly, as any voter knows. When Hillary Clinton complained, it was whining, but now the newest, toughest model of female politician needs to be shielded from pernicious slurs like "lipstick on a pig." And it's clearly doing her credit since Palin and that old dude who I think might have been to Vietnam have surged in the polls.
Since the infallible wisdom of the American electorate now seems to be vindicating the poor pit bull, I've been thinking about what life might be like if we were all treated so unfairly.
And so I propose that from here on in, your professors, administrators and fellow students at Brown should treat you the way voters are treating Sarah Palin. Behold the glorious future:
Admission to Brown will be based solely on the interview. Grades, SAT scores, extracurricular activities and recommendations will be set aside because a likeable student body is a lot more important than an intelligent or accomplished one. And by likable I obviously mean hot.
The roommate questionnaire will be whittled down to one question: What is your gender? Since we now know that all women are exactly alike, this will make things a lot easier.
If you are failing a graduate seminar and your professor asks about your other commitments this semester, you can throw a hysterical fit about what a cruel troglodyte he is for underestimating you. Call him sexist, racist, ageist, classist, anthropocentrist, atheist - you know, whatever works for you.
You may hand in a paper for an International Relations course on early Cold War geopolitics without mentioning containment. Knowing a defining tenet of a whole era's foreign policy is for elitist eggheads who do things like take courses in International Relations.
If you are struggling with a drug problem, the dean of chemical dependency will recognize that it's not about what the oil - I mean drug - addiction is doing to you, but what it's doing to your wallet. She will recommend that you at least make oil - I mean meth - in your own bathtub, rather than spending valuable money that can later be used to fix your teeth.
Only those who have never lived in or visited a foreign country will be allowed to live in Buxton. Just because you've been out of the United States doesn't mean you know more about what's outside the United States. After all, it's not fair that the same people get to hog all the international cred.
Although you are a first-semester sophomore who knows nothing about anything, you will be considered the best person around to, say, work out the problems with the Massachusetts healthcare initiative, because you can totally see parts of Massachusetts from Rhode Island. You'll also be an automatic expert on infrastructure, but only in Connecticut.
You will claim that you said, "Thanks, but no thanks," to your roommate's offer of shots the other night. You will neglect to mention that you drank straight from the bottle instead.
Any question on a biology exam, particularly those pertaining to reproduction or evolution, may be answered with, "God hates you and I do too." Environmental Studies and French will be merged together, so all the brie-eating, Prius-driving, America-hating snobs will be in one place when the Attorney General begins his investigation.
Professors who have taught for a year and a half will be eligible for promotion to department chair, or perhaps University president. Promotions will be decided on the basis of their "Prof Avg" on the Critical Review Web site.
Instead of being considered kind of a tool for making fun of kids who volunteer in their communities, you will be praised for showing those lay opportunists who's boss.
You will scale new heights of hypocrisy, talking grandly about overthrowing the oppressive bourgeois system while sipping a Starbucks latte. (Wait, we don't need Sarah Palin for that one.)
When applying to medical school, you won't have to study for the MCATs or anything like that. People want their doctors to be ordinary folks like them, not some sort of cold, overeducated medical-knowledgebots.
You won't be going to Brown, anyway, because formal education is overrated. And if you know how to field dress a moose, you're fit for anything, including - no, wait, especially - high office.