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Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

By Geoffrey James,
Author of the Sales Machine blog

Every month, the mainstream news features some stories that seem, well..., just a tad obvious.  Here are a few from the past month that struck me as belonging in the latest issue of "Duh!" magazine.

READERS: If you like this gallery, I'll do another next month.

Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

Goldman Sachs NOT Planning To Change

Goldman Sachs NOT Planning To Change

Goldman Sachs NOT Planning To Change

The investment bank, after long deliberation (ha!), decided that despite its key role in destroying the world economy, there was absolutely no need for any substantive change in its corporate culture.  Instead, the company announced that they planned to hire a private barber for their executives, and give their CEO a $15 million bonus.  In a related story, mugger Allen Wayne Durka announced that he did not see any reason to stop mugging people, since he'd gotten away with it so many times.

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Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

Facebook NOT Shutting Down

Facebook NOT Shutting Down

Facebook NOT Shutting Down

A rumor on the Internet went viral that Facebook would shut down on the Ides of March because CEO Mark Zuckerberg "wants his old life back," and desires to "put an end to all the madness."   This caused Facebook to issue a denial.  Which I suppose was necessary, because (as everyone knows) the life of an unemployed college student is so much more attractive than being a multi-billionaire.  Zuckerberg's next step: becoming homeless in order to "put an end to all the madness."

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Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

Women's Tears Reduce Sexual Arousal

Women's Tears Reduce Sexual Arousal

Women's Tears Reduce Sexual Arousal

Scientists at the Weizmann Institute in Israel found that women's tears resulted in reduced levels of testosterone in men, as well as the brain activity associated with sexual arousal.  According to the report, the tears used in the test were generated by having the women watch depressing chick flicks.  Apparently all of this made men not want to have sex as much as they did... before the chick flicks and the crying.  The team's next study?  The effect of a "headache" on the frequency of sexual intercourse.

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Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

Palin: "I am not going to shut up!"

Palin: "I am not going to shut up!"

Palin: "I am not going to shut up!"

One of our favorite brand managers, Sarah Palin, surprised the political world this month by insisting that she would continue to speak out on the issues of the day.  Her announcement was immediately followed by similar announcements from Joe Biden, Donald Trump, and Oprah.

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Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

Greed and Deregulation Caused Meltdown

Greed and Deregulation Caused Meltdown

Greed and Deregulation Caused Meltdown

A congressional panel investigating the roots of the US financial crisis in 2008 has said that the meltdown occurred because regulators, politicians and bankers ignored warning signs and failed to manage risks.   Isn't that a little like saying the rotation of the earth causes the sun to rise and set?  On the other hand, maybe this wasn't so obvious.  A group of dissenting Republicans on the panel blamed the meltdown on (wait for it...) poor people.  (cuckoo clock noises in background)

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Painfully Obvious News Stories of January 2011

Gulf Spill Caused by "Bad Management"

Gulf Spill Caused by "Bad Management"

Gulf Spill Caused by "Bad Management"

After months of study and analysis, a U.S. government panel concluded that the "companies involved in the Gulf of Mexico oil spill made decisions to cut costs and save time that contributed to the disaster" and that "BP did not have adequate controls in place to ensure safety."  One wonders what other possibilities were considered.  An invasion of aliens from a lava planet, maybe?

READERS: What other stories should I have included?

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